Form of Wilding in Relationships - Essay Example

Paragraph 1 is much more successful in conveying ideas concerning Charles Derber’s analysis. By avoiding choppy sentences paragraph 1 enables readers to more naturally follow its points and stay engaged. It helps to establish a sense of reliability and formality within the paragraph as well. Writing full sentences with related ideas instead of choppy disconnected sentences is discussed in section 14 of the Clarity reading.

 Also in section 14, the reading explains the importance of coordinating equal ideas. The sentence, “Despite “popping drugs” (Derber 41), killing people, and plotting revenge, the characters remain the heroes of their shows,” is an example of two well-coordinated ideas. The writer’s ability to coordinate effectively is yet another attribute that adds to the clarity of the paragraph. In the sentence, “Just as Vic Mackey’s drug abuse is accepted on The Shield, excessive drinking is routine on The Bachelor,” the coordinated relationship between the two examples is clear. Throughout the paragraph, the author has already established the concept of accepting typically anti-social behavior. This sentence not only helps the paragraph move on to begin a deeper discussion on reality TV but also establishes the foundation for how reality TV is linked to Derber’s concepts. By not simply using it and the writer highlights the importance of the relationship.

 Finally, the strong use of parallel ideas, discussed in section 9, helps to emphasize several similar ideas in one sentence such as, “…characters get away with aberrant, violent, and anti-social acts.” By following these rules for writing, paragraph 1 flows much better than paragraph 2.

Paragraph 2 is unsuccessful. It uses choppy sentences which fail to engage the reader and inhibit the natural flow of writing. By combining several into one, choppy sentences are eliminated and ideas can be well coordinated. Sentences like, “The Shield, House, and Lost include wilding. This idea can also be found in reality TV. The Bachelor also includes a form of welding,” are much more clear and concise as “He argues that wilding is not only on shows such as The Shield, House, and Lost but also in the reality TV show The Bachelor.”  Redundancy, as discussed in section 16 is also a problem in the second paragraph. Simply pulling together ideas compensates for the need to unnecessarily repeat sentences in different ways.

The author also falters in the original paragraph by using phrases like “unladylike” which would be considered sexist to some readers. Section 17 in the writing rules, warns against using sexist language. By writing instead, “Both the men and women are allowed to act inappropriately…” sexist overtones are avoided while still maintaining a clear meaning. Instances of informality also occurred in paragraph 2. Removing phrases like “The women do crazy things…” and “The women carry on and do rude and unladylike things,” a level of formality is reintroduced into the paragraph making it more creditable.