Martha Peer Review of MS Draft - Essay Example

Hi Martha! I will start with the strengths. Your career progress is clear and easy to follow. From being a volunteer to a paid staff it has all beenoutlined comprehensively and thus very understandable for the reader. I really admire the struggle you have put through to help parents in the upbringing of their child(-ren). The willingness and persistence you showed to help people even if they were of different culture is even more commendable. I was much inspired by how you overcame your fear of domestic violence, eventually helping the victim.

That shows your commitment.Following are some of your weaknesses. There are many typographical errors which I am sure if you go through and revise again you will see, for example, “training andpassed the post- training” and “during the interview withthe assistant director”. I felt the repetition of some words made reading quite monotonous e.g.“I knew I was a compassionate, sensitive, caring person and was often told by friends that I was easy to talk to”(pg 1) could be rewritten as “I knew I was compassionate, sensitive, caring and am often considered by friends as someone who is easy to talk to”.

Or even on page four “Often these parents have been abused and neglected themselves and need…. can establish trust in another person. The primary goal was to support abusive and neglectful parents,……healthy, functioning family unit”. Here synonyms of abuse and neglect could have been used such as “Often these parents have been mistreated and ignored themselves and need to.…can establish trust in another person .The primary goal was to support abusive and neglectful parents. healthy, functioning family unit”.

Also on pg 11 “learned” has been repeated a few times. Words like acquired or gathered could have replaced it. There are some very long sentences which could have been cut down into two to avoid confusion .e.g. on pg 1 last line “I will discuss how this role helped…….its effects on children.”Lastly here are some suggestions. I would have liked if you had shown more of your six years experience. Since you have worked with people of diverse culture and even with single, gay and mixed race parents, some more examples would have helped in my better understanding of what challenges you had to face then.

Also a brief description on the welfare system could have been provided. There were issues with grammar, where you could have been clearer, for example on page two “It’s important to make the distinction between being a volunteer and paid staff as there are considerable differences in the roles” as “It’s important to make the decision between being a volunteer and paid staff as there are considerable differences in the roles”. On the same page, “First and foremost…..to deal with the highly emotionally charged situations they may walk into” as “First and foremost.

…to deal with the high emotionally charged situations they may walk into” and “The house had been chopped up into offices and came replete with a damp,… and inadequate parking for all the staff” as “The house had been chopped up into offices and became replete with a damp…..and inadequate parking for all the staff”.I enjoyed reading your paper.xyz