• No, the essay does not stay on topic in some parts of the main body paragraphs. I would change the topic sentences so that they relate directly to the thesis sentence.
• The introduction could have been a little stronger so that it grabs the reader’s attention. If it could change it, I would add in a real world example that everyone could understand and relate to.
• The first body paragraph is about agriculture but I do not really mention it until the end of the paragraph. I could reorganize it so that this key information was at the beginning of the paragraph.
• The body paragraphs of the paper do not really flow to the next paragraph; some transition sentences could be used to better prepare the reader for what follows.
• No, there are some sentences that could be better structured so that the reader would understand better. The topic sentence for each body paragraph could be worded better to explain what the paragraph will contain.
• Sentences that start with “this” and “the” could be worded differently so that the sentences don’t become repetitive.
• I could change some sentences to be short for impact and make some sentences longer because they need to explain things in detail. It is a good thing to have sentences of varied length because it does not bore the reader.
• No, I do not really vary the noun-verb-object sequence, so I could change this. It can sometimes be hard to word sentences differently because it interrupts the flow, but I will try to change every sentence possible so that the sentences don’t become boring. ...
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