Why People Stay in Abusive Relationships - Research Paper Example

? The Reasons Why Some People Stay in Abusive Relationships despite the Risks Introduction Abusive relationships are those that involve or are characterized by inhumane actions perpetrated by one partner against the other. More often than not, women are considered as the major victims of abuse, whereby their male partners expose them to torturous experiences such as beating, denial of basic necessities, such as food and clothing, sexual exploitation and adultery, verbal abuse on the spouse and the children among others. These actions can be referred to as domestic violence, which is a societal dilemma that has its roots in ancient times, when women were not viewed as full-fledged human beings. The prevalence of domestic violence in the contemporary society is worrisome and calls for stringent measures, especially harsh punishments, to the perpetrators. It is estimated that approximately 1.5 million women in the US encounter violence from their male partners annualy. However, statistics also indicate that men are also victims of domestic violence, with 2010 reports showing that approximately 40% of domestic violence cases involved men. In addition, it has been observed that 85% of violent women are more likely to use deadly weapons such as knives, hot water, blunt objects among others on their victims as opposed to the 15% of men (Vernick 15-23). Majority of victims in violent relationships opt to divorce their partners, but there are those who opt to remain in such relationships despite the hardships. A person who has never experienced such violence may wonder why a person in his or her right mind may wish to stay in such a relationship; however, there are reasons as to why this happens. This paper is a critical evaluation of why people stay in abusive relationships. Discussion Penia notes that “In an abusive relationship, abusive language, violence, threats, sexual coercion and unfulfilled duties and promises are common” (20). Smith and Segal state that, “Researchers agree that the sole purpose of abuse and aggression in relationships is control. The abuser seeks to gain total control over the victim to the extent, in his or her view, that the victim is a part of the abuser or subject to the abuser” (4). Perpetrators make use of the victim’s weaknesses and flaws to instill fear, guilt, and shame to exert control. The deprivation of basic needs is also a common means of achieving the same ends. As a result, the victim gradually wears out physically and emotionally. With time, the victim loses body strength, fails to attentively concentrate on his or her work, suffers bouts of depression and trauma, health problems arise due to poor appetite and constant worry, and the victim loses morale. As the victim weakens, the perpetrator’s control increases and acts of aggression increase in intensity and severity. Acts of aggression are focused on the victim or the designated prey of the attack, but in other instances they may be directed towards a close relative. In both cases, domination over the victim is the key objective of the perpetrator. One such example of indirect domestic abuse is verbal insults and dehumanizing treatment directed towards the victim’s close relative. Abusive relationships do not discriminate. This is to mean that they don’t have demographic boundaries or preferences. Volpe indicates that “For one, gay individuals are at the same risk of aggressive relationships and abuse as are heterosexual couples” (8). Therefore, abusive relationships have the same prevalence of occurrence within different races, economic standing, societal status, degree of literacy, and so forth. Women are considered as the weaker sex and hence are more susceptible to victimization than men. However, cases of male victims are also common, especially in verbal and emotional abuse. Psychologists indicate that the emotional abuse that results from abusive relationships is as damaging and detrimental to the victim as the physical abuse. Effects of the emotional abuse have been linked with the impairment of self-esteem and personal character. Furthermore, profound emotional repercussions such as post traumatic stress, depression, and social withdrawal may result. In most cases, acts of abuse and aggression in relationships alternate with sentimental acts of affection and words of love. Statements by the perpetrator about personal dedication to change and refrain from aggressive behavior are also not uncommon within such relationships. These devotional sentiments and other statements of love give hope of changes for the better to the victim, reassure him or her that the relationship is worthwhile, and blind the victim from the physical and emotional harm inflicted upon him or her. Yan illustrates that “abusive relationships are progressive… aggression and abuse develop with time, getting worse as time passes” (5). Casas adds, “On the onset of abusive behavior, the perpetrator directs emotional assaults and verbal abuse which slowly shift into threats and overt acts” (213). Periods when the perpetrator is under stress are catalysts of an increased aggression. The perpetrator is excessively needy, controlling, and the abuse reaches a climax when the perpetrator fears the relationship is nearly ending or he or she might lose the partner. Carpenter and Nangle state that “Analysts have noted that the cause of abusive relationships and patterns of abuse are directly related to the parties’ make up with regards to their emotions” (179). One person alone is, therefore, not solely responsible for aggression and abuse in a relationship, even though that person is the perpetrator. To achieve an abusive relationship, the correct mix of emotional constituents must be present both in the victim and in the perpetrator. Addiction to alcohol and or drugs is a contributing factor to the abuse, since drug dependency is closely linked to emotional volatility. Yan further illustrates, “Arguments and differences of opinion on day to day issues between couples can lead to acts of abuse and aggression” (62). The key issues responsible for disputes are the utilization of the couple’s financial resources, the negative effects of substance abuse such as reduced productivity, health, and social interactivity. Another source of tendencies of aggression and abusive relationships on the perpetrator are childhood experiences that he or she underwent. Traumatic experiences, domestic violence, and verbal insults experienced in childhood expose individuals to lingering bitter memories in adulthood. The individual has characteristic emotions of deep seated hate, bitterness, shame, and inadequacy. As a form of relief, the individual seeks to lower the partner’s self-esteem and inflict emotional or physical pain on the partner. The perpetrator’s objective is to obtain a sense of comfort from the knowledge that the partner is also suffering as he or she did. As a result, abusive relationships tend to be passed down from one generation to the next, as adults reenact their experiences as children. The abused one leaves the family he or she was raised in and, upon settling in a relationship or new family, repeats the aggression and abuse he witnessed, creating a continuous cycle. Reasons for the victims staying in abusive relationships are different and vary according to individuals. The reasons may also vary with gender. Penia observes that, “For women, the most common reason for remaining in an abusive relationship is denial” (9). A woman may fail to believe or come to the realization that she is being abused despite visibility of all the signs of an abusive relationship. Her friends may also observe and explain to her the facts of her relationship. The woman may be unconvinced or term her experiences as separate incidents that cannot constitute abuse. She will often explain each abusive incident to herself and find reasonable explanations to each. An alternative approach is that women in denial feel that they can handle their partners in a manner as to avoid violence and aggression. A woman may also fail to withdraw from a relationship if she is financially dependent on her partner. She may have realized the nature of their relationship and, as a victim, feel that it should end. With no alternate source of income or means of meeting her basic needs, she is unlikely to park and leave. On average, most women earn less than their partners and others still are not employed, because they are overwhelmed with household duties or their partners objected to them seeking employment. Yan explains that “The difficulties the woman foresees if she leaves her partner and has to support herself prevent her from leaving” (14). Also, the partner may reinforce her fears through intimidation and explaining to her that she is ill equipped to sustain herself. The partner may make threats of sabotaging any employment she gets or defaming her. Fear is another reason women may hesitate to end an abusive relationship. Threats issued by the abuser aimed at instilling fear in the abused are often effective. Yan illustrates, “The aim of these threats is to keep the abused in the relationship, ‘imprisoning’ him or her” (22). These threats may be directed to the individual threatening physical harm, assault, damning revelations or defamation. Perpetrators of domestic violence and abuse within relationships may exhibit psychotic tendencies, stalking their victims, obsessive behaviors, and violence. Penia adds that, “A threat issued by such a person has a very high likelihood of materializing if the person is aggrieved or angry”. Where the abuse takes on an emotional form, the perpetrator may threaten to commit suicide to get the victim’s undivided affection and unwavering love. Psychoanalysts have noted that the pursuit of affection, love, and the efforts to complete oneself within a relationship has left many women prone to abuse in their relationships. Usually, women in abusive relationships desire a healthy relationship and compromise their personal and emotional safety hoping that the relationships they are in will change and improve. They hang on to their partners despite the abuse, citing that they are only experiencing a few challenges characteristic of all relationships. Penia adds that “A fraction of women are reluctant to leave their partners on account of their children. Either the woman desires her children to have good relations with their biological father or escaping the guilt she would feel knowing she is responsible for breaking the family”. Volpe observes that “Children require a father figure when growing up and their biological father should not be a stranger in their lives” (16). Additionally, raising children as a single parent is a financial strain and less healthy than in a two parent household. Upon contemplation, the mother may choose to leave, as the advantages of living in the relationship cannot outweigh the disadvantages of the effects the violent relationship has on her children. Religious beliefs, especially within marriage, restrict divorce and separation. A woman may endure physical abuse and violence within a relationship, because her faith and family detest or advice against it. Religious ideals, when followed by both parties, are fruitful and promote a cordial relationship. When violence is exhibited within the relationship, these ideals are compromised, and yet the victim is expected to uphold these ideals to her detriment. She has no avenue of redress or relief. In addition, if the woman safeguards her personal wellbeing and terminates the relationship, she may be shunned by the society, rebuked by her minister, and disapproved by her family. Smith and Segal assert that “Men stay in relationships that are abusive for similar reasons such as denial, love, finances and fear” (7). Where a man is a victim, the abuse is more often than not emotional and verbal. The man overlooks the partner’s abusive tendencies and views them as normal behavior of any woman. A man who deeply loves his partner is highly unlikely to separate or leave her, finding, and magnifying on, her good rather than bad characteristics. In addition, since the man does not deem himself to be in physical danger within the relationship, he stays and makes a few alterations to improve his partner’s temperance. Furthermore, most men are unwilling to pay for child support, and the division of property that is characteristic of divorce. Therefore, the man protects himself financially through avoiding divorce. Most men insulate themselves from hostile households and abusive partners by avoiding their wives at all possible times. Some men will hang out at the local pub or with friends until late at night every evening. Others will immerse themselves in their jobs, taking on added responsibilities so that they can spend as little time at home with their partners as possible. United Nations Children Fund identifies that “In the long term, abusive relationships can be controlled and reduced through awareness” (2). People need to know what an abusive relationship is, all its signs and characteristics in order to identify it. Studies on abusive behavior should be introduced in the school curriculum and awareness programs that can reach the general public conducted. These should be aimed at equipping victims with necessary knowledge on the forms of abuse and rapid responses to them. In addition, perpetrators may refrain from acts of aggression and abusive behavior if they know the nature of their deeds, effects, and repercussions. Clancy suggests that “Victims should also be accorded agencies and public officers they can contact for advice, both legal and domestic”. Overall awareness will prevent prevalence of such acts, rehabilitate perpetrators, and prevent the cycle of their perpetuity. Rehabilitation of perpetrators generally takes on punitive measures. Though the perpetrator inflicted harm on the victim, he or she might be at a loss in understanding the entire situation and why he or she is being punished. In the perpetrator’s mind, these acts may be normal to perform if he or she has been raised in a homestead where such acts were common. They need to understand and come to terms with the suffering endured by their victims through psychiatric examinations and counseling. Victims require specialized attention as they recover from traumatic experiences. Conclusion Abusive relationships result from the character traits of the individuals within the relationships, the way they interact and respond to their partners’ behaviors. An abusive relationship is not solely initiated and sustained by the abuser only, but the victim also plays a key role through his or her personal traits and response to abuse. The emotional make up of the victim is as crucial as that of the perpetrator. Anyone can be a victim of an abuse, notwithstanding the gender, ethnicity, sexuality, or age. However, emotionally and financially dependent individuals with low self esteem/confidence are at a high risk of a continued abuse. An abusive relationship can end on the first occurrences of abuse if the aggrieved partner is emotionally and financially independent, courageous, and not influenced by threats. The main causes of victims remaining in abusive relationships are denial, fear, financial dependence, emotional dependence, and beliefs/ culture. The welfare of children is also a valid reason for the same, though it is debatable. Violence and abuse in relationships have far reaching effects around us and their occurrence, for the larger part, is unpredictable. Prevention of its occurrence and the protection of children from being its victims or witnesses should be paramount. As a suggestion, awareness programs on the nature, forms, effects of the abuse, and remedies from its effects should be conducted and or adopted to stem the abuse and prevent its passage to subsequent generations. Works Cited Carpenter, Mercy, and William Nangle. “Caught Between Stages: Relational Aggression Emerging as a Developmental Advance in At-Risk Preschoolers.” Journal of Research in Childhood Education 21 (2006): 177–188. Casas, Jeremy. “Early Parenting and Children's Relational and Physical Aggression in the Preschool and Home Contexts.” Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology 27 (2006): 209–2227. Clancy, Eric. “Abusive Relationships”. Recovery-Man.com. 13 Sept. 2010. Web. 30 May 2012 Penia, Nora. “Why People Stay in Abusive Relationships”. Familyresource.com. 2003. Web. 31 May 2012. Smith, Matt, & John Segal. “Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships”. Help Guide.org. 2011. Web. 30 May 2012. United Nations Children Fund. “Behind Closed Doors: The Impact of Violence on Children”. Unicef.org. 2006. Web. 30 May 2012 Vernick, Leslie. The Emotionally Destructive Relationship: Seeing It, Stopping It, Surviving It. Harvest House Publishers, 2011. Print. Volpe, Jeffrey. “Effects of Domestic Violence on Children and Adolescents: An Overview”. American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress. 1996. Web. 31 May 2012 Yan, Lan. “Day in the Life of a Severed Head a Mural”. Bdlove.org. 2007. Web. 30 May 2012 Read More