Marriage and Divorce - Essay Example

? Marriage and Divorce MARRIAGE AND DIVORCE Relationship Rescue: A Seven-Step Strategy for Reconnecting with Your Partner is a book by Dr. Phil McGraw that deals with how to rescue failing relationships. The book begins by contending that the only thing that is worse than a troubled relationship is a troubled relationship where the couple is in denial. In order to rescue the relationship and reconnect with one’s partner, then it is imperative to get real about it and be totally honest with oneself. To reconnect with a partner, one has to reconnect first with him or herself. The journey starts with you rather than with one’s partner and one has to take the power back, becoming a person who inspires respect, commands quality, and settles only for abiding and active love. To proceed without acknowledging that the fix is dependent on you is a guarantee for failure. Troubled relationships arise when individuals allow themselves to accommodate disappointment, pain and self-destructive attitudes. The individual thus has to reclaim their strength, uplift the people around them and inspire them, through strength of calm and quiet power backed by self-worth and dignity. Troubled relationships do not have victims; the individual set the relationship up in that way. Without adopting a lifestyle that is built to maintain it, it is not possible to carry out a long-term fractured relationship. Dysfunctional relationships with a partner come from a dysfunctional relationship with oneself. While it is impossible to control a partner, it is possible to inspire them and give them a fresh set of stimuli to respond. To emphasize this, an individual, has to make an effort to fix them first before fixing the relationship. There are seven steps to a relationship rescue. Firstly, it concerns definition and diagnosis of where one’s relationship stands at present since it is impossible to change what is not acknowledged. Secondly, the individuals need to forget the myths and rid themselves of wrong thinking. Third, discover negative behaviors and attitudes, as well as the specific ways, which irreparably harms relationships with oneself. Fourth, one needs to internalize personal relationship values that form the new foundation of relationship life. Fifth, learn the formula that aids successful relationships, which is only possible after the first four steps. Sixth, the individual begins the process of reconnection, and finally, they learn how to manage relationships on reconnecting with the partner. Defining the Problem To do this, an individual, needs to decipher what they have done wrong and right, in that relationship, to drive it to the current position (McGraw, 2000). Correct acknowledgement of the plan is vital if one is to make the correct plans to alleviate it. It is important that an individual admit to emotional divorce, as well as relationships that are killing them, their self-value, and worth. The questions that need to be asked include; is one of the partners dumping his or her life frustrations that have nothing to do with the relationship on the other partner? Have you been parents for a considerable amount of time that you forget what being lovers and friends allude to? Have you forgotten how to pay each other attention? Do you have sex any longer? Has anything happened to your levels of intimacy? Are you distant and cold to your partner as a result of old disagreements? Are you a family with two income streams that have not time for the other? Is there tension arising from a previous extra-marital affair by one of the partners? The book contains a detailed self-questionnaire that allows one to create a personal and relationship profile. The book then details five questions that are meant to crystallize the profile of the relationship. First, considering that one definition of love is considering the wellbeing and security of your partner as significant as yours, would you claim that you love your partner? Using this same definition, does your partner love you and why? Knowing the details on relationships, would it be possible to marry the same person again if you could start over and why? When comparing one to other individuals in marriages, do you at times feel cheated or that you have settled on a cheap choice? If it would be possible to leave the relationship or get divorced immediately sans embarrassment, legal costs inconvenience, and undue effects on the children, would you go ahead? By answering these questions, an individual, gets a clearer idea of where the relationship stands (McGraw, 2000). Forgetting the Myths One myth prevalent in relationships is that great relationships require a great meeting of minds (McGraw, 2000). Total empathy is a pipe dream since one is never going to see things through the partner’s eyes since they are different historically, psychologically, physiologically, and genetically. Men will always be men and women always women. Being different is all right. Another myth is that all great relationships are driven by great romance. While one’s life should be filled with romance, it is irrelevant to love to expect unrealistic Hollywood-like romance. In addition, being in love is different to falling in love. Feelings from falling in love do not last. Yet another myth is that all great relationships need great solving of issues (McGraw, 2000). However, most problems or conflicts cannot be solved in a relationship, and the couple does not require special skills to resolve them. Having a relationship involves confrontation and conflict, but this is not to say that one partner has to submissive. There is no point in wasting time and energy thinking that one can solve some problems, such as nuances on child up-bringing, but it is better that the couple agrees to disagree. That great relationships need common interests to bond the couple forever is another myth (McGraw, 2000). The compatibilities are not vital rather; it is how the couple deals with these incompatibilities. In short, it is not what an individual does, but how they do it. For example, playing squash together is not that good an idea if it brings frustration into the mix. Another myth is that all relationships need to be peaceful. Obviously, this is nonsense. Myth number six is that great relationships allow a partner to vent their feelings (McGraw, 2000). Very uncensored feelings that vent normally causes harm. Reasons why not all feelings need to be vented include; the idea that we may not comprehend what exactly we are feeling at that particular moment. If vented, the individual will realize just how harmful venting can be to the other partner even if it had been misinterpreted or not meant. Another myth is that great relationships do not have anything to do with sex. Sex adds to the quality of intimacy, is a required exercise in vulnerability and distinguishes this relationship from others. The other myths include thinking that great relationships, will never survive a flawed partner and that relationships only become great when the other partner is straightened out. One major cause of relationship collapse is the propagation of myths, for example the magic of the ring, which makes couples have illusions concerning marriage. Some of these myths may include the need for a perfect partner and perfect sex. However, these illusions tend to melt away with time. Conflicts in marriage could result from the un-fulfillment of these myths via dashed hopes and feelings. One way to resolve this is by using the candle ceremony, whereby the couple reflects on how much they need each other individually. Eliminate your bad spirit Belief in relationship myths is not the only manner in which one can poison a relationship. A more insidious technique for this involves approaching a relationship with one’s “bad spirit” (McGraw, 2000). This is the most important step in saving a relationship and this paper will spend most of its time on this issue. Everyone has a destructive and irrational, emotional side to their personality, which is part of being power seeking, controlling, selfish and immature. It seeks to sabotage any attempts at peace and intimacy. These traits are normally so distasteful that most people choose not to face them and stockpile, on denials, to explain and justify their behavior. Most people love to believe that they are mature, democratic, flexible, and giving, but the bad spirit always lurks, waiting for frustrations, hurt, and threats to come to the surface. If one lets this side takeover, then the relationship may fail almost all the time. If left unattended, the bad spirit may poison the very fiber of a relationship. While no one can alter the things that happened to one as a child, it is imperative to realize that one is not a child anymore. Mentally and emotionally carrying these feelings of hurt from childhood into the consequent phases of one’s life is worse than having these things happen to you (Kellis, 2007). Hiding, behind the events, to justify one’s dark side keeps the individual’s suffering going as it is carried into their subsequent life. An individual must be willing to face their bad spirit one-on-one, recognize its manifestation in their behavior and then attempt to move quickly away from the mindset to avoid further damage. The bad spirit will never be analyzed away one needs to be, on the ready, to knock it back prior to the start of its consuming him/ her. This stalking bad spirit must never be allowed to ambush the individual; he or she must learn how to know it intimately and, consequently, give them the power to alter their life, their happiness, and their relationships (McGraw, 2000). Examples of bad spirits include being a scorekeeper (McGraw, 2000). While competitive relationships can be fun, caring and intimacy is not a game. If the couple allows their life to be guided by trading of duties and favors, then there is a danger that a mutually supportive and collaborative relationship may turn into a fight for the upper hand and leverage. Such competitiveness means that one has an adversary. Another example is being a faultfinder. Legitimate input or criticism is okay if it improves the relationship. Constructive criticism leads to constant faultfinding, which is hard to stop. The partner is more interested in getting the other to admit wrongdoing and counter-attacks criticism. Additionally, they use argumentative and judgmental criticisms that are not justified. They also expect that their partner will read their mind and rarely let infractions slide, however, trivial. This anal-retentive behavior must be eradicated. Another bad spirit is thinking that it is either your way or the highway. An unyielding and self-righteous behavior indicates obsession with power and control (Dembling & Gutierrez, 2011). Everything that happens needs to be your idea, carried out your way, and you must have the last word. Individuals will refuse to acknowledge or recognize contributions made by the other partner and justify everything that they do. Their objective is lying, not only dominating and managing one’s partner with intimidation and condescension, but also staking out the moral high place. The individual will artificially inflate their ego to delude them and their partner into accepting that they are superior to all. It is not probable to serve more than one master at a time, and thus, it is not possible to act self-righteously and have overbearing control while believing that you are going after what is best for a relationship. This relationship will suffer, and the individual will not take ownership of their flaws. They will allow the relationship to go down in flames instead of being honest regarding their shortcomings. Turning into an attack dog is another bad spirit. During the discussion of an issue, an individual is triggered to launch a personal attack instead of facing the issue, in an instant, they become vicious, and their interaction with the partner turns into open warfare with the issue at hand cast to one side. The message becomes one of “I want to hurt you” (McGraw, 2000). At times, there is blatant recognizable viciousness, although sometimes it emerges in subtle ways via knowledge of which buttons need pushing, the accusations that will hurt the most, even sans that killer look or raising one’s voice. The scars from this exchange normally remain with the partner in their entire life. One can also be a passive warmonger, with passive aggression being just as destructive (McGraw, 2000). The individual will work hard to obstruct the things that they do not want, but do so in indirect ways to escape responsibility when confronted for it and always possess an excuse to justify their actions. This behavior is very difficult to prove. The individual will conveniently forget something that they had promised to do, or they will purposefully mess up something that they want their partner to believe seriously that they are attempting to do. Rather than rejecting what has been offered directly they do not comply and complain on it in whiny and subtle ways. The individual does not want certain issues to be resolved, and seem to prefer playing the victim role rather than the peace and harmony that the other partner is attempting to generate. Some partners will resort to smoke and mirrors (McGraw, 2000). Relationships, which are ruled by dishonesty hide pertinent agenda and substitute them with safe and superficial topics to argue and talk about. The partner will criticize their partner about one issue when he or she is upset with another issue. They also become defensive when their partner asks whether they are bothered by anything or if the partner brings up anything real to talk about, and this result in an emotional confusion. Some partners also chose not to forgive (McGraw, 2000). Choosing to bear anger at one’s partner builds a wall around that partner. They become caught up in an emotional complex of agony and pain that leads to negative energy to rule their life. Their resentment could become so pervasive that it crowds out all other feelings in their heart. Even worse, the feelings are not specific to the cause of the anger, but rather change all about the partner and the way they react to all and the world. Finally, it is only the partner and the relationship that suffers, not necessarily, the people who they will not forgive, as they are normally unaware that they are not forgiven or even they do not care. Yet another bad spirit, comes when an individual becomes too comfortable (Alsterberg, 2009). The partner may become so passive that they become nestled in their comfort zone, as they play it safe by not challenging themselves and not striving to be excellent. They become boring and inert, ending the relationship. They have simply been skimming the surface of their relationship with a life of non-sexuality and half-communication with one another. They rarely talk about where the relationship is headed, their deepest desires, what they dream about and what gives them passion. The partner will get into a rut, for example, watching a lot of TV, instead of living. This results in a loss of will power, which causes their first reaction to their partner’s request to be a “no”. Finally, giving up is another bad spirit where the partner has learned helplessness (McGraw, 2000). In this condition, the partner is in a state of mind, in which he or she believes that their condition is intractable permanently. This happens when too many bad spirits that have crowded that partner’s life and they cannot imagine being rid of these bad spirits. They become lonely and forlorn, emotionally disconnected and isolated, cynical and negative, and so far from their consciousness core that they shut down completely the part of the brain that perceives the concept of hope. Ultimately, they decide that no core conscience whatsoever. Reclaim your Core To reclaim one’s core, it is important to adopt relationships values (McGraw, 2000). These are; owning the relationship, accepting one is at risk of vulnerability, focus on their friendship with the partner and accept their partner. Additionally, the partner needs to promote the self-esteem of their other partner, aim their frustrations towards the right direction and allow their relations to ride out the turmoil. Finally, they need to put their emotion into motion, attempt to be happy rather than right, and also be forthright and upright in telling their partner their most honest and meaningful feelings. The Formula for Success and Reconnecting with one’s Partner The partner needs to make their needs known to their other partner while they also need to work in order to discover their partner’s needs (McGraw, 2000). The next step is reconnecting with one’s partner. This involves being specific, strong, accountable, humble, and patient, as well as total and open use of the “I” statements. The partner should also avoid pushing too hard or projecting a know-it-all attitude, being judgmental, biting at the bait when provoked, hiding feelings, being mysterious and using their partner as a bad example. They should also open reconnection dialogue, describe their job, talk about the ten myths, explain the bad spirit, use personal relationship values, share the partner profile and use the formula for success (McGraw, 2000). Conclusion One major cause of relationship collapse is the propagation of myths, for example the magic of the ring, which makes couples have illusions concerning marriage. Some of these myths may include the need for a perfect partner and perfect sex. However, these illusions tend to melt away with time. Conflicts in marriage could result from the un-fulfillment of these myths via dashed hopes and feelings. One way to resolve this is by using the candle ceremony, whereby the couple reflects on how much they need each other individually. Before attempting to rescue a relationship, it is important to first determine the strength of that relationship. This can be done by using the connection point concept, which has ten aspects: intelligence, maturity, word, heart, belly, visuals, belly, sex, biology, and soul. The more connection points a couple possesses, the stronger the relationship is and the easier it will be to rescue it. The more connection points a couple has, the longer the relationship will survive with fewer connection points spelling trouble for a relationship. Additionally, it is important that they identify the type of relationship they have, that is whether it is dependent-dependent, dependent-independent, independent-independent, and interdependent-interdependent. This will help to determine the best way to resolve the conflict with some patterns making it easier to do so than others. For example, a dependent-dependent relationship is easier to rescue since both partners need each other while independent-independent relationships are the most difficult to rescue since the boat will rock and sink at some point. When relationships are in trouble, it is not possible to rely totally on fickle willpower. To salvage a relationship, both partners must create a program that seeks to change their attitudes, if necessary, and their relationships. It is vital to grasp that there will be no winner from the resolution of the problems facing the relationship. It is better that the two partners are happy rather than one of them is right. To achieve this, partners should take the seven steps to relationship rescue. These are defining the problem, ending the myths, eliminating the bad spirit, reclaiming the core, the success formula, reconnecting with one’s partner, and the fourteen-day formula. References Alsterberg, Eric. (2009). Healing and transformation : moving from the ordinary to the extraordinary. New York : Eloquent Books. Dembling, Sophia. & Gutierrez, Lisa. (2011). The making of Dr. Phil : the straight-talking true story of everyone's favorite therapist. Hoboken: John Wiley & Sons. Kellis, Tim. (2007). Equality : the quest for the happy marriage. Delray Beach : Gilgamesh Pub. McGraw, Phil. (2000). Relationship rescue : a seven-step strategy for reconnecting with your partner. New York: Hyperion. Read More