Arranged Marriage - Term Paper Example

? Marriage is still a popular in every society across the world. It has been defined as a social contract between two individuals that unites their lives legally, economically and emotionally (Stritof & Stritof, 2011). It is a social institution under which a man and a woman establish their decision to live as husband and wife bound by legal commitments and religious ceremonies (Dictionary.com, 2011). It has also been described as the most important and fundamental relationship as it provides the basic structure to establish a family and raise a new generation (Madathil & Benshoff, 2008). Arranged marriages take place because the young people are not considered mature enough to find suitable partners for themselves, according to Batabyal. In Western societies the agent takes upon him/her self to find a partner, in the Asian societies the family members take up this responsibility. Various studies have been conducted on issues such as factors essential for a successful arranged marriage or the cause of arranged marriages but no study particularly discusses why the chances of success of arranged marriages are higher than love marriages. This paper would evaluate why more arranged marriages are successful than marriages people choose their own partners or as is commonly known as ‘love marriage’. Arranged marriages are marriages arranged by the family members of the two partners concerned. Even today in many parts of the world marriages are arranged by the families of the incumbents. The decision making process in arranged marriages is quite different to the ‘love’ marriages popular in the West (Batabyal, 2001). The reasons too are scientific. The young persons are not mature enough to decide on the right partner. Their decisions would be based on aesthetics and pleasure while a successful marriage has to consider the family background. The youth would be guided by friendship and external factors whereas the family members would probe into the socio-economic search of the other family. While the marriages in India too are fixed by the two families, the consent of the two partners is paramount. The Indian families grow up with the conviction that marriages take place between two families and not two individuals. Thus, the first step is to evaluate the family when the proposal comes in. Once the two families are satisfied with each other’s standing in the society, the two potential partners in marriage are provided an opportunity to talk to each other. This remains restricted to one or two meetings but their opinion does matter. Only when they give their consent the marriage is fixed. No coercion is exercised although when the two partners are very young, they may be shown the right direction in evaluating the taking the decision. The final decision however, rests on the two partners concerned. Thus, it is arranged to the extent that the family finds the prospective partner but the two agents have the right not to agree or get married. This sort of arranged marriage is healthy as there is no exchange or subjugation as in Pakistan. In Pakistan exchange marriages take place between where the family members or the close relatives of the spouses take the initiative to fix the marriages. In such societies patriarchic authority persists even today and such decisions are usually based on socio-economic relationships (Zaman, 2008). The two partners agree to such exchange marriages fixed by their elders for them and Zaman says they “subjugate themselves as actors to the agency of corporate family structures”. The reason for the involvement of families in arranging the marriages has several reasons. Such marriages provide social security as has also been pointed out by Zaman as it also helps to combat the security risks at both the macro and the micro levels. While security is important, partner compatibility is equally important which is not given importance to in Pakistan. Batabyal discusses about the utility of the traditional methods of decision-making in arrange marriages. He suggests that if this model is followed the agents can find the right partners for him/her self. However, it still is an arranged marriage the difference being that the agents has the discretion to choose the partner. The model calls for waiting for the more proposals for an optimum period of time. If the agent waits for too long for further proposals, he might fail in his mission to be married by a defined age. If he waits too for a small period of time he loses the chance of getting a better partner. However, this model ignores certain factors. If an agent has liked a proposal there is no reason for the agent to wait for something better. There is no definition of ‘better’ or the ‘right partner’. Once a marriage is fixed the two agents have to ensure that they have the right partner. Moreover, human beings are endowed with instincts which tell them that this is the right proposal. There is no reason to wait for long period or short period of time if one has liked the proposal. Hence this model carries no justification. Danziger and Newman (1999) are of the opinion that in societies where male members support the family the parents take the responsibility for arranging the marriage as the economic aspects play the most important role. However, as societies have changed and revealing the exact income is no more the norm, the male members would tend to delay marriage so that they could be more economically successful and become more appealing to the more desirable women. However, if the family has the responsibility, they would tend to fix the marriage as soon as the male member reaches the marriageable age as allowed by the national law. The marriageable age differs cross cultures and nations. The authors also find that a man’s marriage age decreases with his wage rate. This is only because he is considered financially capable of supporting his family. Moreover, there is another great principle behind early marriage in families where the male members support the family. It is believed that once a male member has started earning his mind should not be allowed to divert or get attracted to women from different cultures and work areas. Idle mind is a devil’s workshop, is the old adage and which is absolutely true. A young boy’s mind should never be free. Once he is settled in business or at work, marriage is the next inevitable event in his life. The idea is that his mind should not be distracted towards girls which would impact work and also make him take a wrong partner decision. This is particularly valid in the Asian environment where arranged marriages are still in practice. Arranged marriages prevent people from having intimate physical relationships before marriage with innumerable partners in search of the right partner, which they seldom find (Ganju, 2003). Factors for successful marriage include trust, honesty, consulting each other, commitment to each other, making decisions together and having a friendly relationship (Assodeh, Khalili, Daneshpour & Lavasani, 2010). The authors argue that personality similarities predict a successful marriage. However, personality similarities can also lead to more of arguments. What matters in a successful marriage is the maturity to adjust to situations over which one has no control. This is true education. Human nature is to adjust to someone or some situation which lies in one’s interest. Hence they would adjust to the moods of a domestic help but adjusting with the temperament or moods of the spouse is difficult. Both partners should be able to come forward and make adjustments. It is not a one-way traffic but each should be prepared to give. Success and love depend upon giving and not in receiving. The authors however find that effective communication is essential for a successful marriage. This is true for any relationship. It is not generosity that matters as the authors specify; it is the accommodative nature and the intention to adjust that would motivate the partners to accept the other person as he/she is. Acceptance is important; one should not try to make the other person change his/her habits. Hence, while effective communication is important, the intention is critical. There is difference in acceptance level between couples of arrange marriage and love marriage. Love marriage pertains to marriages where the two individuals choose their own partners with no family intervention. In arrange marriages also the two individuals meet and decide but the initiative is taken by the family members. In love marriage the expectation level of both the partners is very high whereas in arranged marriage the two are willing to accept each other as they are. As Saran (2009) says in arranged marriage the two partners begin to discover each other and they have seen how well their parents got along in arranged marriage, so they are conditioned to believe that marriage is forever. Arranged marriages are not just common in Asian countries but were also the practice in Victorian England. However, things changed as women gained economic independence. They exercised their rights in choosing their marriage partner as well. However, the chances of success marriages are high simply because the family evaluates the background, culture, social status, caste, and religion before the agents are asked to meet and decide. This provides a strong foundation for a marriage. When the family background is strong, the two partners are more likely to adjust and accommodate with each other. In case where partners make their own selection no such evaluation is carried out. The decision is merely a decision based on emotions and a decision where the heart rules. Moreover, people give lot of importance to physical appeal, looks and attraction when choosing their own partners, which has low priority in arrange marriages. When selecting a bride people would look for housekeeping skills or generosity of heart says Saran, which implies inner beauty is important. Physical appearance matters to the extent that the person is presentable. Physical attraction soon wears off; beauty is temporary and so is such relationship based on external beauty. Love marriages may provide the two partners with more freedom and independence and these days everyone wants ‘space’. The same ‘space’ is respect for each other and their interests, and this respect is the binding factor. In arranged marriage the partners do not seek independence but they are interdependent. They want to be interdependent as this binds them into ONE. Love grows over time in an arranged marriage and this love has no expectations. In cases where love before marriage leads to marriage, the two partners have shared ‘dreams’ but very seldom are they able to live their ‘dreams’. Both the partners are at their best during the courtship and usually have a powder-coated behavior. It is only when two people live together do they understand the reality of marriage and what it entails. Most people that enter into the so-called ‘love marriage’ have no clue what marriage is all about. In arranged marriages, the two partners are fully aware of the significance and responsibilities of marriage. They are fully prepared by their elders. While true love only gives, in the case of most love marriages that has failed, people only demand. In arranged marriage both are willing to give and reach an agreement mid-way in case of disagreements. Often the question of compatibility is raised in arranged marriages. Ganju (2003) beautifully describes marriage as a union of two souls, of two cultures, of two families and two individual. Marriage is a solemn contract that cannot be made today and broken tomorrow. The contract has to be respected and the two individuals stretch themselves to make the marriage work. They make themselves compatible to each other and this depends on the ‘true’ education which comes from the strong family background. Besides, when the family does the partner search, they ensure compatibility in terms of education, family and profession. Besides, the final decision is taken after the two give their consent. This does not require meeting several times and often one meeting is sufficient for them to decide. In such circumstances marital discord is minimal and chances of success are high. The two partners stand by each other through thick and thin while in love marriages people seek individual identity and independence. Marriage means taking responsibility and in arranged marriages people are willing to shoulder this responsibility. They minds have been molded towards accepting such responsibility whereas in love marriages the two partners are carried away by emotions. It is people in marriage that fail, marriage does not fail, says Lewis (2002). Marriages fail because people do not take responsibility. Marriage should be built upon trust, forgiveness, respect and commitment. This holds in arranged marriages even when the couple has been married for 50 years but in case on most love marriages people want individuality and ‘space’. The commitments made before marriage is all forgotten; they even forget to respect their partner. Love is in giving and respecting, and not in demoralizing each other in marriage (Lewis). Inglish (2011) also cites through tests that several things should match for a marriage to be successful. These include language and culture, faith or spirituality, approach to money and its use and children. This is precisely what Ganju has discussed where she uses factors such as family background, social standing, and economic compatibility. Thus, be it in the Asian context or the Western, the factors for successful marriage remain the same. Love knows no such boundaries. Moreover, the factors evaluated by Assodeh et al for successful marriage are frivolous. Marriage is much more than consulting each other, maintaining commitment to each other, making decisions together and having a friendly relationship. Even if some decision is taken without consulting the other person, unless there is a flaw, it should be accepted and respected. Marriage is much more than having a friendly relationship. It is the feeling that the two have become ONE. Only such a feeling would lead to a successful marriage. Thus arranged marriages are marriage between two families and not merely between two individuals. Marriage itself should be taken as union between two souls and not just a friendly relationship based on physical beauty that is transient. The decision-making process in arranged marriages has evolved and the two partners’ consent is sought before the marriage is fixed. Marriage is a solemn contract that has to be respected for life. Since the two partners in their early twenties are still tender in their minds, they are not considered matured enough to select their own partner. Nor are they aware of the parameters for a successful marriage. The divorce rates in the Asian countries and those in the West itself suggest that arranged marriages are better than marriages where two individuals choose their own partners. Marriage relationship should be based on mutual respect, compatibility of culture and family background is already ensured by parents before the marriage. The rest depends on the two individuals concerned and since the expectations are minimal in arranged marriages, the success rates are high. References: Assodeh, M. H., Khalili, S., Daneshpour, M., & Lavasani, M. G. (2010). Factors of successful marriage: Accounts from self described happy couples. Procedia Social and Behavioral Sciences, 5, 2042–2046 Batabyal, A. A. (2001). On the likelihood of finding the right partner in an arranged marriage. Journal of Socio-Economics, 33, 273-280 Danziger, L., & Newman, S. (1999). On the age at marriage: theory and evidence from Jews and Moslems in Israel. Journal of Economic Behavior & Organization, 40, 179-193 Dictionary.com, (2011). marriage. Online 19 July, 2011 from http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/marriage Ganju, C. M. (2003). Arranged Marriages -Its Rationale. Online 19 July, 2011 from http://www.sawf.org/newedit/edit08112003/reflections.asp Inglish, P. (2011). Which are most successful - Arranged Marriages or Marriages for Love? Online 19 July, 2011 from http://pattyinglishms.hubpages.com/hub/Marriages Lewis, A. (2002). Why Do Marriages Fail? Heaven Ministries. Online 19 July, 2011 from http://www.heavenministries.com/articles/whydomarriagesfail.htm Madathil, J., & Benshoff, J. M. (2008). Importance of Marital Characteristics and Marital Satisfaction: A Comparison of Asian Indians in Arranged Marriages and Americans in Marriages of Choice. The Family Journal, 16, 222 Saran, A. (2009). Are Arranged Marriages More Successful Than Love Marriages? Online 19 July, 2011 from http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2194421/are_arranged_marriages_more_successful.html?cat=41 Stritof S., & Stritof, B. (2011). Marriage - - What is Marriage? Online 19 July, 2011 from http://marriage.about.com/od/historyofmarriage/g/marriage.htm Zaman, M. (2008). SOCIO-CULTURAL SECURITY, EMOTIONS AND EXCHANGE MARRIAGES IN AN AGRARIAN COMMUNITY. South Asia Research, 28, 285 Read More