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Pages 4 (1004 words)
The essay is an effective topic and is made more interesting by the fact that it is a personal story based on real experience. The thesis that life has gotten better since hearing the bad news of impending death is an interesting angle and certainly makes for a compelling subject…
In all, a topic that should be inspirational is left as disturbing and depressing.
Structurally, the first paragraph could be better by placing the first two sentences at the end of the paragraph. Also, all of the activity that took place at the hospital, and probably the church, could have been incorporated into one shorter paragraph and eliminate some of the redundant emotions. As an example, Kate gets introduced twice; once in the opening sentence and again in the body of the paragraph. Paragraphs three and four are both addressing the confusion of being faced with dying. These could be incorporated into one paragraph. The conclusion doesn't address the thesis. The premise of the essay was how life is a gift, but concludes with the writer waiting in heaven for their family to die.
There were a number of grammar errors, mainly commas and the use of quotes. The quotes of the priest in paragraph four are used, but it is a statement of what he said, not his actual words. Also, the two sentences that comprise paragraph six should be incorporated into a longer paragraph that expresses a whole idea.
In some strange way the day I found out I was going to die was the same day I began to live life to the fullest. It sounds like a hallmark card, I know, but it is the truth. [place at the end of the paragraph] When I left the doctor's office I could not believe what I had heard. ...
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