Qualities of Successful Marriages - Essay Example

QUALITIES OF SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGES COMMUNICATION Communication is one of the most important factors necessary in order to make any relationship successful. Especially when it comes to marriages, communication plays the most vital role. When it comes to spending your life together, if proper communication is lacking, the whole relationship can shatter to smithereens. In an Asian culture, the family structure and lifestyles emphasize on the importance of interpersonal communication to a great extent. In Asian cultures, interpersonal communication is one of the main aspects of the society. The interaction among the family members and integration within the family is very obvious and prominent. Be it any problem or trouble, the whole family tries to overcome it collectively. This affects and influences the upbringing of the children in this culture to a huge extent as well. Usually the parents communicate to their children in a very evident manner and encourage them to communicate in a similar way. They discuss very minute details and interact very closely. For example, my mother has always talked to me very frankly, about everything, be it the smallest details; even the taboos of the society, and this has encouraged me to share everything with her in return. This has always helped me to get closer to my mother. Not only this, my parents have always depicted very close communication, sharing everything with each other, understanding each other's needs and personality and valuing each other's opinions and thoughts. As I've grown over time, being brought up in this particular way where interpersonal communication has always been stressed upon, I have grown learning these values that conveying your own thoughts and understanding others is the most important part of being in a relationship, and the most important factor of making it successful. In addition to this, I would like to induce within myself, such skills that would help me to communicate with people especially my significant other in the best possible way so that I can always understands his needs, thoughts and opinions his way. This is one of the foundations of making a marriage successful. 2. EMPATHY & SENSITIVITY Empathy means to understand. To stand in the other's shoes and try to imagine and realize what that particular person would be going through. This is quite self-explanatory how important this factor would be for a successful marriage. If one cannot understand the other properly, this will eventually lead to conflicts that can badly damage the relationship and in worst cases, can even bring an end to the relationship. Empathy has always been one of the basic aspects of successful relationships, especially marriages. Here, I'd like to give a personal daily-life example; if I need to study for a test, but my parents want me to help them in some household chores, and they don't empathize and tend to be narrow minded and keep on scolding me and forcing me not to study and do the house work, how difficult it would get for me to pursue my studies. In my family, however, it's the other way round. My parents have always understood my needs and my priorities and have never forced me to do what I don't want to and/or I cannot do at a particular point in time due to my own engagements or commitments. Moreover, my parents always empathize with each other. If my father has some unexpected business proceedings and/or meetings, for example, and he has prior plans with my mother, like shopping, she would always understand and would not fret about it. Similarly, if my mother (a working woman) needs some time out to carry out her office work at home, my father would always understand and would never get upset. Had it been the other way round, and had my parents never empathized, they would have always been fighting and upset with each other. But thankfully, it's the former way and they always empathize with each other. This in turn shows me and teaches me the importance of empathy in making a relationship, especially marriages, successful. I have always been brought up this way and would like to build and strengthen these skills within me so that I empathize with my significant other and minimize the probability of getting into an argument. 3. RESPONSIBILITY Taking responsibility of you tasks as well as your actions is very important too. When you decide to live your whole your life with s particular person, you two divide responsibilities and collaborate and coordinate with each other to make life easier and to develop a sense of belonging and sharing. When talking specifically about successful marriages, the sense of responsibility has always been a very important factor. When living together, division of responsibilities can help you reduce the workload and simplify the life as well. In my upbringing, my parents have always induced within me, a sense of responsibility by assigning tasks, keeping a check on it being done properly and then giving feedback afterwards. Also, I've always seen my parents divide the duties no matter how big or small, so that the divided tasks are easier to complete and have the peace of mind as well. For example, my father has always taken up the responsibility of dropping us to the school while heading to work, while my mother has always driven us back home. It is my mother's job to do the grocery, while it is my father's job to take care of the plants in the garden. Had it all been just my mother's or father's job, it would be very hectic and difficult to handle for them, or had it been no one's job in specific, it would have been very ambiguous and would have led to conflicts and arguments and still most of the tasks would have remained half done or not done at all. Over the period of time, I have evolved learning to take up responsibilities and accomplishing the tasks assigned to me in the best possible manner and within the required period of time and I would want to enhance this ability and self efficacy that yes, I can do a particular task, which assists me and drives me to take up responsibilities and fulfill and complete then effectively. This will also help me in strengthening my relationship with my significant other by dividing and reducing the workload and decreasing mental tension in turn as well. 4. COMMITMENT When you marry a person, you commit to spend the life together loyally and faithfully. You make a promise to be together in good times or bad and be there for each other no matter what. This commitment plays a vital role in success of a marriage. It has much of an intangible importance than tangible since it's more of a mental note for your spouse that you will be there for him whatever, wherever, whenever. My parents have always taught me the importance of commitment in one way or the other. They have always been there to support me in whatever the situation, good or bad, and back me up in my decisions, no matter how small or big. I have learnt this from my family that being there for each other or just the mere knowledge of the fact that there are people to back you up and be there for you in all times, can work such wonders that nothing else can. In a married relationship, just knowing that your significant other is always there for you and even if he/she cannot really help you, they're there for you at least for your moral support, is a big relief in times of trouble and a big boost in times of success. I have always learnt and have tried to enhance this sense of commitment within myself and am still opting for more, so that I will always be there for him regardless of the kind of the circumstances and the situation. This will also work wonders in making my relationship stronger. 5. UNSELFISHNESS When you are in a relationship, it is not just about you. It, in fact, is about the two of you. So, thinking selfishly, just about your own self, your own success, your own benefits and losses and your own interests etc cannot be the case. You need to think about your other half as well. My upbringing has always discouraged selfishness very clearly and explicitly. Being a part of an Asian culture, thinking collectively about everyone is kind of an inborn trait. I have been trained to think about the people I live with just the way I think about myself. Here family comes first. Take a very simple example, while going out for a dinner with family, if my siblings really want to have pizza and I wanted to have Chinese food, I would always keep that in my mind, not just what I want to have; or if I need to study but my sister wants me to teach her for a test the next day, I, unselfishly, might just delay my studies and teach her first since her need is more urgent than mine. I have always seen my parents portraying a very unselfish behavior towards each other and that, I believe, is one of the main factors of their successful relationship. I have learnt being unselfish from my parents and family and am still working to enhance it so that my own married relationship is strengthened as well, just the way my parents' relationship is. 6. ADAPTABILITY, FLEXIBILITY When you get married, you enter into a totally new home environment. You start living with a person you were not living with before. He has his own habits that have become deeply enrooted within him over the course of his lifetime. He has his own priorities and ways of doing things and has his own set of values, beliefs and rituals etc. similar is the case with you. When you are in a married relationship, you need to understand these and other differences and try to be flexible and adaptive. In my upbringing, I have always been taught to understand others' differences, to adapt to them and be flexible in my decisions, priorities and relationships, in order to make the relationship successful. For example, my father has the habit of watching television till late night while my mother wants complete silence. Now, my mother has adapted to it and never complains. Similarly, my sister, whom I share my room with, always studies at night and keep the lights on, while I had the habit of turning the lights off but now I have adapted to it and can sleep peacefully even while the lights are on. However, I'm still learning further to quickly adapt to the changes and differences and to be flexible enough to fit wherever I need to. 7. SPIRITUALLY & VALUES Although one marries a person sharing similar basic or core values and beliefs but the peripheral beliefs and values can and might differ from person to person. In order to make your marriage successful, you need to understand these differences and respect each others' values, beliefs and principles. For example, my father's family has always been a joint family while my mother's has not. The values being carried out here were initially very different and difficult for my mother to handle. But, she respected them and gradually adapted to it. I have always been brought up being taught to learn and understand the differences and to respect the values important to others, especially my significant other. I'm trying to improve on it and try to be better at understanding and respecting the values of especially my other half. 8. COMPANIONSHIP A companion is the one who accompanies you. Your spouse accompanies you for the rest of your life and thus, he is the most important companion in your life. Building a good companionship with your mate should be one of your top priorities so that there is no compulsion; and all you do for him, you do unconditionally. The way my parents have brought me up, they have always tried to encourage companionship within me; with my siblings, friends, or the whole family. For example, they will send me and my sister for a walk or a ride, or would arrange for meals with my friends. Combined studies encourage companionship among friends and classmates as well. I have always noticed amazing companionship between my parents and a very intimate friendship as well. They have always practically shown the way husband and wife should be accompanying each other in whatever they do so that the friendship grows stronger and stronger with time. When they get time, they go out for movies, they always go out for shopping together, and if nothing else, they try to help each other in their tasks. I've always tried to build up this sense in myself as well and have succeeded quite a bit; however, I'm still working on it. I have always believed in the fact that: "it is not always necessary to do something big to show that you care; sometimes the mere knowledge of the fact that you are there might mean the world to someone". 9. HONESTY, FIDELITY One needs to be honest with everyone. It is one of the main qualities of a good person. And when it comes to relationships, it becomes one of the primary factors in making it successful, especially a married relationship. You always need and have to be honest, faithful and loyal to the person you are married to; since if you are not, trust can never be developed and without trust, a relationship is hollow. Since childhood, I've always been taught to be honest with everyone and my parents have always shown practical examples of it that even if you get in trouble in the short run, in the long run honesty always pays off. In their married relationship, my parents have always been honest and loyal to each other which has played an important role in making their married life successful. I've always tried to be honest to everyone. I'm always loyal to the people I'm related to and I will always be loyal and honest to my significant other in order to develop a successful relationship. 10. ADMIRATION & RESPECT Talking about successful marriages, admiring and respecting you mate is very important; for who he is and not what you want him to be. Sometimes, we expect our spouse to be someone that we want him to be and not what he actually is. This is where the conflicts arise when we start expecting something from the person that he cannot deliver. Thus, we need to understand this fact and admire the person and respect him and his individuality. For example, my father is very social and has a lot of friends. So his free time gets divided among friends and family. Now, if my mother starts expecting that he'll spend all his free time with us and not his friends, this is something that he might not be able to deliver and thus conflicts would arise. But my mother understands and does not demand what he cannot do. She admires him and respects him for who is, with all his positives as well as his negatives. I've learnt this trait from my parents and I always try to work upon it so that I can understand my other half as well and admire him and respect him unconditionally. SOURCE: Mary Kay DeGenova, F. Philip Rice. Intimate Relationships, Marriages and Families. (7th ed.). McGraw-Hill Publishers, 2004. Read More