Adult friendship characteristics - Essay Example

On behalf of the qualitative analysis findings from a program, which I conducted of theoretical and empirical research regarding friendship from an exclusive array of British students and employees from Midlands, I investigated open-ended, in-depth interviews with over 50 persons, including adults ranging from 22-39 years of age. From them what I come to analyze is the fact that frustrations and delights of friendship emerge during childhood and often continue throughout life. However, the friendship after the teenage is dependant upon several aspects ranging from social disciplines to personal involvements. Adult Friendship Characteristics "Friends should reciprocally help and share with one another and cultivate confidence by discussing personal matters" - Wilson, Brown. 22 years. Student. "I feel it difficult to differentiate between 'friends' and 'close friends', that means I have no close friends" - Anne, John. 30 years. IT Professional. "Friends should be trustworthy in every aspect, one should feel comfortable while relying upon them." - Jack, Howard. 25 years. Student So, besides the rudimental features a true friendship is expected to possess, like trust, reliability, honesty, and mutual understanding the primary aspect to focus upon is "the true identification of friends". In case of an example, let us consider neighbours, neighbours are also close to us but physically; we do not choose neighbours as our friends. We can find them anywhere we move. If we are lucky, we trust them and enjoy their company, but neighbours as such are not friends. A good neighbour is available for casual chats, occasional help, and recourse during emergencies. Like friends, good neighbours trust each other. But trust between neighbours is restricted to particular functions and is not as full and deep as the trust between good friends. (Govier, 1998) Typically, with neighbours there is little intimacy or deliberate cultivation of shared activities. If we are fortunate, our neighbours are amiable, helpful, and undisturbing. Some of them may become our friends. But to be a neighbour, even a good neighbour, is not yet to be a friend. Trust and Friendship Our vulnerability extends even after friendship ends. Our former friends may have possessions of ours, things given symbolic value within the relationship. They certainly know many things about us, some of which we would not want to become public knowledge. Because of their knowledge and their role in our lives, these people retain a power to hurt us, even after the friendship is over. This lasting power further illustrates two basic facts about trust and friendship: friendship is based on trust, and when we trust, we are vulnerable. We love and need our friends and assume our life without them would be scarcely bearable. And yet our friends can hurt us, even after a friendship has ended quite painlessly. Should we avoid closeness to protect ourselves The answer cannot be yes, for in avoiding the intimacies and joys of friendship, we would deprive ourselves of too much in life. Rather, the solution lies in picking the right friends in the first place. Trust also affects our understanding of other people, our sense of who they are and what they are doing. In fact, it affects our basic conception of human nature and our general sense of what sort of world we live in. Trust is in essence an attitude of positive expectation about other people, a sense that they are basically well intentioned and unlikely to harm us. Honesty and Friendship While analyzing the facts from the interviewees, I came to know the values honesty upholds in friendship especially among females from 25-29 years, honesty intimates mutual confidentiality. According to my analysis 70% of interviewees expect honesty in any relationship. "Honesty is the ground to built upon a building of relation, it should be strong enough to uphold the relationship and prevent it from forces of nature" - Nicole, Smith. 30 years. We not only share our life experiences with our friends, but also we listen to their incidents regarding our experiences. And this too requires trust: openness to the other, acceptance of him/her as a person in her own right, as one who feels and experiences from her own viewpoint and is honestly sharing her feelings and experiences. We respect to our friends ideologies, perceptions and beliefs and accept that a friend has her own perspective on the world, and we take that perspective seriously even when it differs from our own. What has happened to her How did she feel What did she think about it, and how is she going to respond We are interested in communication of values because our friend means a lot to us. This openness requires honesty and open heartedness. Our friends are those whose feelings, beliefs, and situation may differ significantly from our own. Because we accept and care for them, we trust them to tell us the truth as they see it, and we are always willing to experience their tales. "Friendship is nothing, but a deal of give and take" - Allen Similarity of Interests between friends 50% interviewees agreed that similarities are explicitly concerned with friendship while the rest were biased upon this discussion. In the main, what knowledge we have has to be garnered from studies in which friendship is an element of the research concerns, but rarely a dominant one. Cultural and social structural variables influence the ways friendships are patterned, so what is true in one country's citizens may not be the case on the other end. The emphasis is placed firmly on similarity and equivalence. Whatever the social differences outside the tie, at the core of friendship is the notion that friends regard and treat one another with equality. Friendships in which there are marked inequalities subjected to boundaries or in which one side continually lays claim to social superiority over the other cannot be considered as "friendship" or if somehow, it is considered, is not last lasting. Name: Lakshmi Name: Mary Religion: Hinduism Religion: Christianity Age: 23 years Age: 23 years Hobbies: Sewing and stitching Hobbies: Horse riding and swimming It is hard to assume that despite of all types of cultural differences, Lakshmi and Mary are best friends who share their everyday experiences with one another. The reason is simple as they respect each other values and traditions with open heartedness. Understanding and Friendship Mutual understanding characterizes friendships. The bonds of friendship result from the collaboration of two individuals in constructing a shared social reality. This interpersonal reality evolves out of and furthermore encourages mutual acceptance and support, trust and confidence, dependability and assistance, and discussion of thoughts and feelings. Friendships comprise ongoing, mutual achievements (Harre, 1977) based upon the rudimentary rules and norms defined by friendship. "Understanding" is among one of those standards, friendship requires. However behind understanding "trust" functions. The fluidity and openness in understanding is one of the things that make relation between friends more pure and agile. There is no determinate list of things a friend should do, no fixed role specifying just what it is to be a friend. We understand them, respect their feelings and their way of perceiving things and in return we expect them to do the same for us. We trust them to be there for us in every incident, in every catastrophic moment friends need the shoulders to weep; it is them who wipe our tears and share with us not only happiness and contentment but also share our sorrows and miseries. "I failed in psychology in my exam due to my mother's death. It was the effort of Amanda who made me concentrate upon my studies and today I am a lecturer in the university. She not only assisted me in my studies but also provided me with all the moral support. What I am today is just because of Amanda's efforts." - Kate, Wilson 35 years, University lecturer. Friendship is based on affinity and similarity on one hand, but also on difference on the other hand: the chosen friend is different from other people we know and is treated differently. The aspect of friendship most discussed in contemporary moral philosophy is just this: friendship is partial and thus apparently at odds with the impartiality that a moral perspective seems to demand. We cannot love everyone equally or be friends equally with all. (Trudy, 1998) In modern industrial societies, most people have between three and seven friends, but between five hundred and twenty-five hundred acquaintances. We may like and enjoy our acquaintances, but a relationship that is merely one of acquaintance is not characterized by mutual care or intimacy, and hence is not a friendship and not necessarily a relationship of trust. When considering relationship of co-worker we are aware of the fact that we have important activities and training in common and ample opportunities for contact. We see co-workers daily and may talk and chat with them frequently. Still, the relation of co-worker as such differs from that of friend. It does not typically involve intimacy, shared activities outside work, or choice of relationship. The career ethos of some social groups and the scarcity of prized jobs in professions lead many people to move to find suitable work. Often, we rely on work situations to provide a basis for our social life, which can lead us to seek friends primarily among colleagues. In congenial working situations, we have cordial relations with co-workers. We are certainly familiar with them, and if we are lucky, we trust them in their roles on the job and depend on them to be pleasant and supportive. But relationships with colleagues are largely defined by working roles. For this reason, they are not friendships. To confuse such relationships with friendships is likely to put stress on them and inhibit people from seeking genuine friendships off the job. Reliability in Friendship Alison and Judy may never discuss the matter of broken appointments, and even if they do, Alison may not actually apologize, because she feels nothing wrong. Despite of all promises unfulfilled, she thinks she is always right. After all, promises can be broken and appointments rearranged; she had good reasons in every case. Judy should try to see the matter in a positive light. But even if she does consider Alison to have wronged her, she should take a flexible and understanding attitude and not resent what happened. This behaviour keeps the relationship going on between them. The second name of trust is "reliability"; trust when experienced comes under the category of "reliability". When we say about someone that he is reliable, we mean to say in other words that he is trustworthy. Now, how we know that he is trustworthy, because we have experienced and tested him in this aspect and he passed in our test, so we acknowledge him as a "reliable" man. Reliability can also be considered in the terms of "commitment" and "fulfillment", a committed person is said to be reliable, that means he has fulfilled his commitment. Difference between romantic love and friendship Most of the people in Midland aged between 22-39 years possess a past of romantic relationships or people in their early twenties still enjoys romance with their lovers. Upon asking one of them the difference between romance and friendship, I realized as to what extent the pattern of friendships varies. Sexual attraction between men and women who become close friends tends to press relations of friendship towards romance and sexual intimacy, dramatically altering feelings and expectations. Friendship can survive as a component of sexual partnership, and when it does, the partners have an especially wonderful relationship. All too often, though, romance displaces a male-female friendship, and when the romance fades, the friendship ends. One frequently employed way of distinguishing personal friendship with mutual love is that of saying that romantic lovers face each other while friends face together in the same direction. This manner of speaking means that romantic lovers are united by their interest in each other and in their love, while personal friends are united rather by some common interest other than each other or their love. Balancing romantic relationship with friendships When I asked this question from interviewees I got amazing answer. Jack: " I meet my girlfriend thrice a weak. My friends know about her and they know I am a busy person too. So they never mind and indulge in between my other relationships". Julie: "My best friend knows about my boyfriend, but she never bothers and never envies. The reason might be that she is happily married with two kids". The analysis showed 90% of interviewees never bothered about their friends other relationships, what they bothered about was the attitude of their friends towards them. Among the rest 6% were those who were conscious about their friend's romance and the rest 4% were somehow engaged in a panic disorder. Maintenance of Adult Friendships But under what circumstances do friendships fade The simple answer is that friendships end when people's circumstances change which result in a change in attitude so maintaining the relationship becomes more difficult. What are attitudes Attitudes are indices of individual differences between people. People may differ in the directions of the evaluations that they hold about a common object, or they may differ in the strength with which an attitude may be held. They may also differ in the basis of the attitudes, whether they are primarily cognitive or emotional in nature. (Michael, 2001) If, for example, people move to another area or if their work begins to make much heavier demands on their time, then it is likely that a number of their friendships will become less active. However, it seems that a major reason why friendships end is not just for this type of reason, but more interestingly because a change in people's social position often makes the equality which lies at the heart of friendship difficult to manage. Efforts required to maintain a Friendship Forgiveness Patience/Tolerance Try to keep passion alive in your relationship. Trust A warm and welcomed behaviour. Q: Kim, what do you think are the essentials of maintaining a friendship What do you prefer to do to make your best friend happy Kim: Linda has been my friend since 7 years, and every time I feel she is in a narky mood, I tell her jokes or I offer her a long drive. Sometimes I have to offer her even bouquet for that. Physical distance/moving away to live elsewhere: Impact of that on friendship Impact of moving away physically on behalf of change of working environment, or change of residence can also affect the relationship but not in the sense that people feel the distance too long to cover at the cost of staying away from dear ones and leave them all alone in critical situations. The analysis showed that 55% of the candidates agreed to the fact that physical distance affects the relationship in some manner while the rest were of the view that nothing can keep two true friends moving apart from each other as long as they are faithful to each other and as long as they don't subject to external threats of 'attitude change'. Growing apart/ life going in separate direction to friend's life Emotional distance means a lot more than physical distance, and its impact on friendship can be seen and judged in several ways focusing upon the change in social difference, class difference and attitude difference. It would be unskeptical to say that attitudes change with time and circumstances. We consider the ways in which different classes typically develops their friendships. In order to do this it is necessary to distinguish between the relationships people have and the contexts in which interactions occur. (Allan, 1996) Relationships refer to the continuing bonds that exist between people, each of which comes with a distinct history and an implicit frame of reference. That is, we carry with us notions of what each of our relationship is like; what types of expectations we have about them; what obligations, responsibilities, and demands are legitimate and relevant to them. These are not immutable; they change as the relationship develops and as our social circumstances alter. Nonetheless, at any given time, in order to manage the relationship, we have a broad idea, a shared understanding, of what it is that is relevant to that relationship and how it is ordered. In this sense we can think in terms of the boundaries, which are constructed around relationships. While not absolutely fixed or rigid, these boundaries of relevance provide an understanding of how the relationship is defined, of the framing, which is placed around it. These boundaries are the context of those differences that are created within us or somehow within our attitude with the passage of time and are the cause that demands, "change" from us. Part of this framing concerns the contexts in which interactions or changes occur. Obviously in order to develop a friendship, there has to be some context in which you initially meet one another. Similar is the situation when one wants to narrow a relationship. Enhancement of friendship may not involve face-to-face interaction, as for example with pen pals or e-mail relationships. However, in the great majority of cases, initial contact is direct; the relationship is initiated through your both being in the same setting at the same time. What matters is how the relationship develops after this. The contextual basis of the relationship may remain static. That is, you continue to see one another within this context without making any effort to activate the relationship in other settings. Alternatively you may choose to extend the implicit boundaries of the relationship by fostering interaction elsewhere. The wider the contexts of interaction, the lesser the relationship is likely to be defined in terms of its initial context, and indeed the more likely the language of "friendship" will be considered relevant to it. Importantly, the boundaries constructed around a relationship do not only refer to the contexts of interaction seen as relevant. They can also be conceptualized as referring to the types of exchange which are defined as relevant to the relationship, for example, emotional support; shared activities; sociability; the sharing of confidences. I was astonished while interviewing one of the candidates. Lena: "Judy was my best friend as long as we were college friends, but after completing our higher studies, Judy no longer cares for me. It seems as if she has new friends, new attractions, now even when I call her, she expresses no sign of gladness while talking to me. I think that is the end of our relationship". How friendship changes over time Some of the most interesting research on the impact of life-course changes on friendships comes from studies of those whose marriages have ended, either through divorce or with widowhood. What these studies reveal is the lack of ease, which people feel in their previous friendships. While in the short term these existing friendships can be very supportive, in the longer run the lack of symmetry in the familial positions occupied makes their continuation somewhat problematic. At times those involved report feeling unintentionally stigmatized because of the concern their still-married friends are showing them. By themselves none of these things are important, but collectively they have an impact and result in the relationships becoming that much more difficult to sustain. The consequence is that people's friendship networks gradually alter. Often they may become smaller, especially where there are few others in a structurally similar position, e.g. widowers in later life (Blau, 1961; Bankoff, 1981). But mainly they tend to become dominated more by people who share the experiences that the individual has of no longer being married. This is not invariable, and certainly does not lead to a complete change in friendships; all it means is that a gradual shift occurs, a gradual transformation in which the individual comes to rely on most. Equally, though, friendships alter when other aspects of an individual's social location change. For example, when people gain promotion at work it can have an impact on their friendship ties, especially, though not only, with any of their colleagues they regard as friends or mates. Here similar processes are at work. When one person is in a different position within a hierarchy, if they have a degree of authority over the others, if their earning capacity and life-style are altered, then maintaining the friendships in their previous forms is no longer as straightforward as it was. In these circumstances it is still possible to sustain the balance in the relationship, and all sides may agree that the change in question is not going to affect their friendship. The process of social comparison, whereby friends compare themselves with others who are perceived to be above, below or equal with themselves on various dimensions, are central to social activity and are key concepts in contemporary theories of social functioning in community, educational, economic and commercial domains. (Tajfel, 1981) Mistrust/being let down by a friend A loyal friend is one who will not betray us or let us down, who keeps our secrets, keeps his or her promises, and comes through for us in emergencies. Trustworthiness in a friend is truly a necessary element for friendship. However entertaining and fascinating he might be, the acquaintance who tells tales behind our back is pleasant because he wants an invitation to the summer cottage, is not a friend. What causes friendships to break down Personal disagreement Unresolved conflicts Mistrust Criticism Loss of respect Jealousy Reciprocity Competition A wide communication gap Too much expectations Influence of Friendships The functional significance of adult friendship is closely aligned with its role in the search for selfhood and intimacy. Peer friendships provide an arena for communication independent of the family and historical precedents of interaction; they are achieved, not ascribed. Accordingly, the adult is compelled to develop the communication skills requisite for a voluntaristic relationship characterized by much give and take and interpersonal negotiations. Further, this type of relationship involves cooperating with peers regarding crucial personal concerns rather than simply pleasing authority figures ( Piaget, 1932; Sullivan, 1953; Youniss, 1980). Friends exchange confidences by having intimate communications, which reveal their personalities to each other in full context. Here, it is all the matter of luck as to what two personalities have selected each other to be friends, because the deepest influence one possess on his/her relationship comes from 'friendship'. According to Carol it is all because of her best friend that today she is enjoying a peaceful life, when I asked her I came to know she was the most neglected child in her childhood which created an inferiority complex within her. At that time she met Linda who came all the way out to help Carol out from the stance. Influence of parents on the type of friends you have Parents influence on friends, Optimistic Influence When adults receive different types of encouragements from their parents in expressing openly their emotions. When the parents attitude reflects a positive approach, they show trust upon their children, especially in front of their friends. Parents never let their children down in front of their friends, or in front of those to whom they rely. A friendly attitude of parents not only narrows the communication gap in parent-adult relationship, but also lead their children towards betterment while selecting their friends. Pessimistic Influence Occurs in those circumstances where there is a single parent hold. In case of parents separation or divorce. Adults feel within them a sense of hollowness, which not only influences their friendship life, but also acts as a rudiment feature towards several personality disorders and mental disturbances. In case of illiteracy or backwardness of parents, adult often feels insecure in front of his colleagues or friends. After interview I analyzed that 10% adults were subject to the problem of single parenthood, among them, 5% were somehow suffering from Neurosis disorder, while 1.5% from Schizophrenia. Influence of friends on your social behaviour, social skills, recreation, finances, moral behaviour, and hobbies Social group influences the types of behaviours in which we choose to engage. This is true for both positive influences that construct our personalities and lives and negative influences that deconstructs and devastates our lives. From adulthood to maturity, it is the social group that provides some of the strongest influence on behaviour (Rich-Harris, 1995) In addition to the individual friends, peers and family that we have, the community and culture that we come from possess an important influence on our way of looking at things. Optimistic Influence: A sense of openness or expressiveness. A person values moral standards. Trust in oneself (a true friend induces trust in yourself) Teaches self-respect and down to earth attitude. Motivation towards work/studies and goal oriented. Construct of attitudes and beliefs. Induces social identity and evoke social norms Feeling of commitment not only to a friend but also to oneself. Pessimistic Influence: May lead to depression, frustration or personal distress. Mistrust. Can result in bankruptcy. May persuade a person in something wrong he would otherwise had not chosen. Result in a person's isolation. Q: "what do you think friendship is for you" Joe: "I don't really want to trust anyone that's why I have no friends; I don't like social gatherings or parties. I like pets, my cat's name is Pinky and she is every thing for me. I love her". (Student, 25 years, divorced parents) Emily: "I am involved in a huge circle of friends. I like to play chess, that's why I have joined a group, as they possess a similar interest among the members." From the above conversation, it is clear that groups or social gatherings consists only those adults who are not suffered from a parent loss. However, this is not necessary but research shows 80% of group imparts a sense of social identity for a person, and social identity values for a person who is not under any circumstances isolated or tends to be isolated. References Adult friendships, Allan, Graham. 1996. Kinship and Friendship in Modern Britain: Oxford University Press: Oxford. Allan, Graham. 2001. The Anthropology of Friendship: Journal of the Royal Anthropological Institute. Volume: 7. Issue: 3. COPYRIGHT 2001 Royal Anthropological Institute. Antonio, Anthony Lising. 2004. The Influence of Friendship Groups on Intellectual Self- Confidence and Educational Aspirations in College: Journal of Higher Education. Volume: 75. Issue: 4. COPYRIGHT 2004 Ohio State University Press. Govier, Trudy, 1998. Dilemmas of Trust. McGill-Queen's University Press : Montreal. Huon F. Gail. 2001. Personality. Psychological Science An Introduction Johnson, Amy Janan. 2001. 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