Finding New Life in an Old Love - Essay Example

 Finding New Life in an Old Love Another day, another dollar. That was the first thought to emerge from the churning waters of her thoughts as she fired up her computer to begin her work. Ideas for her work were swimming in the background, but none were leaping to the surface and above it this day to give substance and life to her daily column. Being a writer, writing feature articles for a small daily newspaper, she needed ideas, but since her illness and the resulting collapse of her relationship with the man whom she was to marry, her ideas came slowly, if at all. Impeded by her sadness and loneliness, they remained buried, needing some stimulus, some energy to help them penetrate the heavy surface of her grief. Having been declared free of the cancer that had both interrupted and then changed her life completely, her body was restored to health but her soul was still struggling to recover and know the freedom that comes with experiencing joy in one’s life. Body and soul might have recovered together, she contemplated, had Robert stayed committed to her throughout her illness. But he had seen her illness as a liability for the future and an obstacle for the present and found someone else while she was still going to her daily radiation treatments. The one positive event in all this was that he had revealed the depth of his immaturity prior to their marriage, she reflected wryly. That had saved her from making the biggest mistake of her life. Yet a heaviness of heart still weighed down her thoughts and feelings. Life had become a lackluster routine through which she sluggishly trudged from one day to the next. Yet, she had still a flickering light of hope that one day her creativity and joy would return and with it, the possibility of love once more. This day, like the others, a gray cloud of dreariness was beginning to cast its shadows on her day. As the computer flickered to life, she felt empty, wondering how she could possibly continue to write her column. The ideas seemed to have been crushed under the weight of her burdened soul and, although everyday she gave much effort to her work, the flow of her creativity had dried up in a drought of depression that was beginning to characterize her life. As she stared at her monitor flashing its images of uploading programs, she thought to check her e-mail. With a few swift keystrokes the list appeared. A couple of work-related memos, a notice of a community meeting, a reminder from her pastor that, due to a meeting of church leaders, choir practice would be an hour later were listed, and a couple of advertisements that hadn’t been sent to her spam folder made it onto her e-mail list as well. And … what was this? The screen name listed was “captainJ”. With a click of her mouse, she opened this letter from “captainJ”. “Lilly,” it began, “I had to do a lot of detective work to find your e-mail address. I hope this is it. I have been stationed aboard an aircraft carrier in the Persian Gulf, but I have returned home now. Where are you? I know it has been more than eight years since we last talked but if you receive this, please write me back. I have been thinking of you and I miss you. –John” In stunned surprise, she read the e-mail again. There was only one John that she had known in her life. He had been her very first love. Could it be? It had to be – he was the only John she had known eight years ago. Striking the keys with a vigor she hadn’t experienced for over a year, Lilly quickly tapped out a reply, “John, You do great detective work. This is indeed my e-mail address, both at work and at home. What a wonderful surprise to hear from you after eight years! I am guessing from what you wrote that you are in the Navy. Where are you stationed? How long will you be home? I am pleased you wrote to me and will eagerly correspond with you. Please write again. I miss you, too. –Lilly” She placed her mouse over “send” and clicked, then sat back in her chair. She wondered how long it would take for him to respond. She wondered if his screen name meant that he was a Navy captain; she wondered how he had come to join the Navy; she wondered what he looked like now; and with a bit more intensity than her other musings, she wondered if he was or had been married or had a girlfriend. She tilted back in her chair and closed her eyes reflecting back and remembering. Eight years ago they were but fifteen years old. He was tall and lanky with piercing, dark brown eyes. He had a head full of light brown hair that he was frequently pushing back out of his face and eyes. His deep voice made him seem older than his years. In evident contrast were her short stature, soft green eyes and reddish blonde hair, making them a striking couple when they were together. She remembered when they first met. He sat next to her in English class. They were both shy, preferring to exchange the occasional glance rather than words, until one day when the teacher asked the students to pair up to work on an assignment. She had thought she would like to have him for a partner, but they had never spoken. One or two of her girlfriends in the class seemed the easier, more likely choice. She arose from her desk to go ask one of them, only to come face to face with John who was blocking her way. “How about teaming up with me?” he asked quickly and breathlessly, as if he had to get the question out before he lost his courage. “Okay, sure” she had replied with a self-conscious half-smile, feeling her face redden into a blush. He had smiled back with his face radiating the relief he felt and his eyes gleaming with anticipation of their time together. From that shy beginning they worked together, completed their class assignment and their relationship blossomed into the romance of a first love. They shared a first kiss that led to many others. They enjoyed all the school events together and had shared many activities together away from school as well. They talked for hours about their hopes and dreams. Then one day, she recalled wistfully, John came to school very troubled. He was distant and seemed almost angry. He spoke to her only in clipped phrases and would not answer her when she asked what was wrong. She remembered that day as being one of the most anguishing days of her young life as she struggled through class after class wondering if she had said or done something to cause his pain. Then at the end of the school day, he had come to her locker and in a voice so gentle and quiet, it had touched her to the core of her being, he told her that his father’s job had been transferred to another city and that he and his father and sister were leaving in the morning to enroll in the new schools, look for a new place to live, and of course, his dad would be starting the new job. His mother would stay behind long enough to make sure the movers got everything in order and the realtor had listed their house, and then she would join them. He then apologized for having been so distant and angry. Neither he nor his sister wanted to leave but it was a big promotion for his father, and although John felt angry and hurt, he understood clearly why his dad had decided to make such a big decision that he knew would be hard on the family now, but would be much better for them financially in the long term. Then the tears John had been trying to hold back all day began to stream down his face, as he had taken her in his arms and told her how much he loved her and would miss her. She had cried and sobbed into his chest then, declaring her love with all her heart. They made a commitment to write and call each other, and then, clearly in agony, he had forced himself to release her. Then he turned and walked down the hall, through the doors and out into the late afternoon sunlight. She had run down the hall and through the doors then, and watched him as he walked to the corner; shoulders slumped and head down with his hands stuffed deep into the pockets of his jeans. There his mother was waiting to take him home from their school for the last time. Broken-hearted, she remembered just going through the motions of school and home life for many days after that horrible day. At first they had spoken on the phone frequently and exchanged many letters, but then with the passing of about three months the communication began to wind down and by the fourth month had stopped altogether. Sadly, she supposed he had found another girlfriend and she, too, decided to move on, although she had always felt she was really looking for him in the person of another. And now suddenly, here he was, reaching out to her again. Eight years had passed. Illness and broken promises had changed her and she supposed being in the Navy and being stationed in a war zone had changed him as well. Yet, time and circumstances had connected them once more. In pondering these things she recognized that as a writer she had learned to keep an open mind because “there are always possibilities.” And her time of illness had added to that learning that, where there are possibilities there is always hope. Suddenly, in an epiphanous moment of clarity, she had her ideas for writing her feature column. It was time, past time for the return of hope in her life. She was going to focus her column on stories of hope in the community and she was going to focus her life on hope. Whether John replied or not, she felt her hope in the future was restored, and with her hope, the desire to bring stories of hope and thus renewed life to her community. For Lilly had discovered that hope is the energy which propels life, and love is the force which brings life into being and renews it in its time. Read More