Autobiography in the First Person - Assignment Example

 My autobiography is about the significant achievements in my life. I have done many interesting things and my work life is very important to me. My professional life has helped me make a living and creates an opportunity to gain more knowledge. I am a highly motivated and results oriented [If these two words function as an adjective, they should be spelled as a hyphenated word] professional. I have extensive knowledge, particularly in government regulations. I enjoy working in the government because it gives me different [Redundancy: if you have "many," surely they are "different." Remove "different"] opportunities within this field. I am also experienced in contracts and I enjoy the challenge of fast-paced [Cliché--"fast-paced" is an old phrase, seen too often, and marks your writing as unoriginal. Try to express the idea in another way] environments. Over the years, I have developed as a leader and I enjoy leading a professional staff that can [Wordiness--"is able to" means simply "can"] work as a team. People in my classes may not [Clearer writing suggestion: "May or may not" is essentially meaningless. Everything in the universe may or may not. Strengthen the sentence by including only the most powerful aspect of the two] know that I am a member of the United States Marine Corps (CWO-3). I enjoyed my time in the Marines because my duties took me to Virginia, North Carolina, California, [insert comma] and [in academic writing, if this is a series, place a comma before the final conjunction (and)] Iwakuni, Japan. One could say that I am well traveled [The passive voice is a form of "be" (am) and a participle (traveled). Over-use of the passive voice can make paragraphs officious and tedious to read. Prefer the active voice. For example, passive voice = The paper was completed on time. Active voice = the student completed the paper on time. See Center for Writing Excellence > Tutorials & Guides > Grammar & Writing Guides > Active & passive voice] and I enjoyed my responsibilities. As a Director of Business Operations in the Marine Corps Exchange, I had many different responsibilities. I accomplished the ability to supervise a staff of over ["Over" is used to describe something physically above something else (e.g., over the rainbow) or time (over a period of years); for comparisons of amount, try "more than" ] 290 civilians and 15 Marines that [Check word usage--If this word refers to a human being, people are never "that" or "which," they are "who"] were a part of multiple Exchanges. This opportunity gave me an understanding of how to work as a team and how to manage a budget of over $30 million in addition to my supervisory responsibilities. I was also responsible for overseeing 16 convenient stores and two full service, service stations. I enjoyed managing a food and hospitality center as well. “I am at my best when I am able to [Wordiness--"am able to" means simply "can"] develop my employees. I enjoy watching them make moves forward with their lives and with their positions. Director of Business Operations was not my only position in the Marine Corps but [Grammar: A run-on sentence requires a comma before "but" (or other conjunction) linking main clauses] it [Insert comma before "but"--the following is an independent clause] was one that I enjoyed. I was also a Purchasing Specialist [A job title is not capitalized unless it is the first word in a sentence or associated with the name of a person or institution, e.g., Certified Public Accountant John Doe. If not, it is just a label, such as auto mechanic, nuclear physicist, fry cook, brain surgeon, professor, etc.] when I was in Virginia, and I handled over [more than] 24 Government Purchase card holders and was responsible for negotiating and executing 1,300 small purchases using a Request of Quotation. These small purchases added together created a net income of $1.2 million for the card holders. I also administered BPAs on a monthly basis averaging $23,000; this was a very good job for me [Simplify. You are writing this, so "for me" is probably not needed] because I learned how to make purchases in this environment that actually [Cliché: "actual" and "actually" are weak words whose meaning is nothing more than "in point of fact." They are often used as intensifiers but usually can be deleted with no change in meaning ] increased revenues. Some of the other things I was able to [Wordiness: this phrase can be simplified to one word--"could"] accomplish include being [Doctoral rule (but good advice for any academic writer)--If not a noun (as in "human being"), the word "Being" is hard to imagine; it means "existing." Try to rewrite this without using "being"--with action words like "attending," "working," "living," "experiencing," simply "as"--or even removing "being" completely] able to successfully reduce [Doctoral rule (but good advice for any academic writer)--avoid a split infinitive; consider placing the adverb (successfully) before or after the infinitive (to reduce )--try "successfully to reduce " or "to reduce successfully" (or place "successfully" later in the sentence)] cost by 15% through the implementation of an electronic Point of Sale System. This system actually [see above] combined three positions and [Run-on sentence: Insert comma before "and" if the following is an independent clause (not part of a series)] this was how we [Use "we," "us," or "our" to mean yourself and coauthors, not general humanity (or yourself and the reader)] were able to [Wordiness: this phrase can be simplified to one word--"could"] reduce the cost. We were also able to cut the cost by creating a partnership with a local lending institution so we could have check verification at a lower cost to us. Also, [Remove comma (unless introducing a nonrestrictive phrase)] by consolidating buying efforts, we were able to [Wordiness: this phrase can be simplified to one word--"could"] find price reductions in the merchandise we procured. These efforts led to increased sales and a higher rate of customer satisfaction. Much of this work for me [Simplify. You are writing this, so "for me" is probably not needed] was about organizing and restructuring certain aspects of the business that were [Writing suggestion: rewrite the sentence to remove "that were"] not functioning well. In this position, I also oversaw the construction and opening of the first Marine Corps Recreational Indoor Shooting range in the Department of Defense. In this shooting range, we also incorporated a four bay car wash. This was important because it provided a way for the officers to wash their cars without having ["having" as a transitive verb is vague. Reconsider the sentence using "possessing," "acquiring," "developing," etc. Often "having" can be deleted] to go across town. This also afforded them more time on the shooting range because it was so close to work. These positions were possible because of my education and because [Run-on sentence: if "and" links main clauses, it must have a comma before it] education is very important to me. I feel [Style suggestion: if "felt" is used in the sense of "to believe or think," it is a cliché and vague; use a form of "believe" or "think"] that education creates new skills and that it can create the knowledge that someone needs within specific subject areas. In my case, I received many certificates of achievements from my Marine Training. I specialized in contract law and procurement so that I could find positions that would create an opportunity to build my knowledge base after college. As we go about working in our careers, we come to times when we know that the education we have relied on for so long is over, and we need to enhance that education in some way. As an example, I realized that I wanted to go into management, but that I did not have the official skills that I needed. When I say official, I mean that I did not have the education that I needed to move ahead. I decided to enroll in University of Phoenix because it provided an Individual Leadership Development program that pushed me forward in leadership. I received the Bachelor [A possessive adjective requires apostrophe s -- 's] in Science of Management so that I could choose to work in a management position. At Phoenix, I learned how to become a stronger leader and how to interact with my employees instead of only telling them [Check pronoun agreement--if "them" refers to "leader" (or a singular subject), it should be singular, too (him or her)] what they needed to do. I feel that I am a more effective leader because of this action. I also find that the more I learn [Place comma before the following comparison phrase] the better things are on my job. As I learn new concepts, I teach these to my employees and I encourage them to also go [split infinitive] back to get degrees they either missed or are talking about [rather use "discussing," "speaking of," or "stating" instead of "talking about"] obtaining. I know that for myself [Simplify. You are writing this, so "for myself" is probably not needed] , more education has created more opportunity for me [Simplify. You are writing this, so "for me" is probably not needed] . As I continued in my journey of employment, I have found other interesting positions. I have been a Subcontracts Manager [Do not capitalize job names] with BAE Systems Norfolk Ship Repair. This was an interesting job because I was overseeing the operation of the subcontract department. This made me the liaison between the subcontractors working on other BAE Systems in NSR department. I was responsible for helping this department run smoothly. I had several responsibilities to other departments that included accounting, material control, estimating and [in academic writing, if this is a series, place a comma before the final conjunction (and)] planning, purchasing and [in academic writing, if this is a series, place a comma before the final conjunction (and)] [Insert a comma before this word if this is the last in a list of more than two -- or if it begins a new clause] environmental responsibilities. In some respects, people may think that this is a highly stressful job. Especially [insert comma before "especially"] because these jobs were monitored [Passive voice ] , tracked, and managed by the Government [Do not capitalize without the complete name of the institution (unless in a citation or as the first word in a sentence)] at Norfolk Ship Support Activity (NSSA). But [In academic writing, avoid starting a sentence with a conjunction ] in my opinion [Wordiness: Remove "in my opinion," which is unnecessary. By writing this, you are showing your opinion.] , they were not stressful because I was able to [Wordiness: this phrase can be simplified to one word--"could"] create an opportunity for myself [Simplify. You are writing this, so "for myself" is probably not needed] , and it gave me skills that I could continue to use. I was also responsible for tracking contractor performance evaluations and I executed contract modifications. I have training and skills in contract management so this job was very interesting and helpful to me as I learned more. I had several accomplishments in this position. I was approved for BAE System’s first purchasing system through a contractor purchasing system; my department earned 100% in all [Writing suggestion: "All" or "all of" used as an intensifier very often can be removed with no loss of meaning] areas. I also assisted in conflict resolutions when issues arouse between subcontractors and the operations department. My responsibility was to be the facilitator in these conflicts so that the conflicts could easily be resolved [Passive voice ] . I enjoyed doing this because I was always able to see both sides of the situation, even when the two sides could not see past what they wanted. I was trusted [Passive voice ] in this position and both sides understood that I was looking for a way to make a win-win situation [Cliché--"win-win situation" is an old phrase, seen too often, and marks your writing as unoriginal. Try to express the idea in another way] out of the process. I attempted to work as a consultant for a few months as I waited for my next position. I performed contract file augmentation to prepare a client for a Contract Purchasing Systems Review (CPRS). I also conducted price analysis in this position and provided recommendations to the client for adherence to specific policies. Currently, I work as the Senior Subcontract Specialist (Warranted) for The Enterprise and Mission Solutions Business Unit of SAIC. My responsibility is to oversee the development, negotiation, and administration of all subcontracts. My experience led me to this position and I have been happy with my choice. In this position, I play a significant role in ensuring compliance with required performance while working on highly complex assignments. I do this job very well because of all my past experience [Redundancy: what else can "experience" be but that which occurred earlier? Leave out "past"] . I also work with contracts from the beginning to the very end, so that subcontractors understand that I am the one they should come to when they [If "they" refers to "one," it should be "one" also (and perhaps adjust the verb)] have any problems of any kind. This has created an opportunity for me [Simplify. You are writing this, so "for me" is probably not needed] to use my leadership skills. Contracts have been one of my specialties for many years because I feel that I know the laws in this area and I enjoy helping subcontractors. Sometimes there are problems that are [Writing suggestion: rewrite the sentence to remove "that are"] usually due to [Check word usage: This phrase is most accurate in referring to something owed ($5 due) or an arrival time (due at 6:00)--try "because" or "because of"] ego situations. I am adept at understanding when these conflicts arise and what to do. This is one of the [Wordiness problem: "One of the" can be simpler and more powerful by changing it to "one" or "a/an" and the following plural noun to singular ] reasons why [Writing suggestion--remove "why" or "for why"] we are [The verb should be "is"] able to [Wordiness--"are able to" means simply "can"] create the success that we have so far. One of the [Wordiness problem: "One of the" can be simpler and more powerful by changing it to "one" or "a/an" and the following plural noun to singular ] reasons why [Writing suggestion--remove "why" or "for why"] I am successful in my job is because [Awkward wording--replace "is because" with "is that"--...successful in my job is that] I have a strong work ethic, a strong ability to work independently and as I said previously, I like fast-paced [Cliché--"fast-paced" is an old phrase, seen too often, and marks your writing as unoriginal. Try to express the idea in another way] environments. I do not think I would do well working behind a desk all day without the opportunity to walk around and have a hands on way of dealing with the people within my various departments. In conclusion, I can see how my experience and my training helped me to create opportunities for myself [Simplify. You are writing this, so "for myself" is probably not needed] that would not have been available had I not received more education. I have loved working for the government because it has afforded me positive step forward in my life. Read More