Human Relationships in Todays Culture - Essay Example

Human Relationships in Todays Culture Perspectives on communication vary between men and women in light of gender differences in how people receive and send information. While there are clearly universally understood approaches to and aspects of communication shared between men and women, the subtle differences often cause the largest problems in relationships. Such differences extend to all aspects of the shared experience of two individuals in a relationship, including sex. With that background in mind, I thought it may be interesting to collect articles from both perspectives – male and female – by collecting relationship communication advice from a popular website that attracts primarily men and from a similar popular website that attracts primarily women. The point of consulting both sources is to see where the two articles differ in their advice based on their intended audience, male or female, and where the two converge in their thinking. By consulting these articles, evaluating their claims with scholarly research, and contemplating these issues’ overall impact on society as well as my own personal life, I will blend each of these viewpoints together on the topic of communication in relationships. A Man’s Perspective The first part of the article from a man’s perspective, intended for a male audience, starts off with the claim that a man’s ego stands in the way of successful resolution to many conflicts, including conflicts that arise from poor communication (Mitchell). Typical “male” forces force men to pursue an often-destructive path toward “being right”, which creates problems in relationships. For that reason, the author claims that men are worse at relationship-based communication, but not much worse than women. As a result, the author recommends first to make time for each other. That includes taking the time to sit together, cook together, travel together, and to eat together and being open and honest about the things that trouble the relationship while reassuring that the overall relationship is strong. Another piece of advice is to be an active listener, which includes having patience, concentration, and modesty. Patience and concentration are important insofar as it is easy to get distracted while other people (not just women or a relationship partner) are talking. Modesty is also important because it allows others to take the floor in a discussion, which gets back to the author’s original assertion that a man’s ego often gets in the way of productive communication between relationship partners. Men are also advised to focus on nonverbal forms of communication, including body language indicative of negative emotions. Men, on the advice of the columnist, must overcome their natural insensitivity to serve as a true emotional partner. Finally, the column advises men to let their partner know that they care, which is opposite to their naturally competitive behavior. Men should do this even at the height of a fight, when men naturally feel the most compelled to get their way and win. A Woman’s Perspective An article written by a woman primarily intended for a female audience has a much different message, even if the tone and intention are similar to the men’s article (Raye). Her opening statement is that women should not feel scared or anxious to express feelings around men, which is an emotion based on the presupposition that men are scared of feelings. The assumption that is the case actually puts both parties in a relationship in a situation where they are nervous to talk about emotions, which is a dangerous place to be in from a communications perspective. The author only advises that women should not unleash pain, disappointment, or anger in a non-constructive way; that is the kind of emotional baggage that causes men to “shut down” in communication. The second piece of advice she offers is along the same lines – namely, that women should stop trying to hide what they are actually feeling. When a man withdraws, the next step is not to ignore a feeling entirely; doing so, the author claims, will put more distance between the pair. The appropriate course of action is to be authentic and keep it simple. When it comes time to express feelings, then it is time to use the right words. As the author explains, simply starting with an accusation will lead to the opposite of a resolution in the sense that it will create unnecessary tension. Instead, the author advise that women take the man out of the equation and simply phrase a complaint in terms of their own feelings. So, for example, instead of accusing a man of always being late, perhaps the woman can express that she gets angry when he is late. The balancing act allows the woman to not hide who she really is while expressing her honest feeling. A relationship will have genuinely good communication when a woman is not afraid to show a man her true self but who respects that man enough to want to come to a disagreement. This is presented as advice to consistently avoid feeling disappointed and to ensure a better response the next time feelings need to be shared. Sharing Perspectives Overall, seeing the two articles juxtaposed together draws some interesting comparisons. At a high level, both advice columns are concerned with how the opposite sex perceives common relationship behaviors. In the case of the men’s article, the author expresses unease with how most men are not sensitive enough to recognize some of the common signs that a woman is experiencing a negative emotion. The author then suggests advice on how to counteract that tendency not to focus on emotions. In the case of the women’s article, the author expresses that many women are afraid to talk about feelings with men based on the assumption that men do not care about feelings. In the context of the other article, one recognizes the same shared assumption running throughout both articles. Since it is a relatively common view, it is worth evaluating (as I will do later) with scholarly research to see if there is any truth to the claim that men are inherently less sensitive or concerned with emotions in relationship than women. Another interesting reading of the two articles in parallel shows that two individuals in a relationship following the advice laid out by both authors would lead them into talking past one another. Say, for example, the woman is led to believe that men are not afraid of feelings or talking about them – and then the man is led to believe that his feelings aren’t necessarily important and that the man should be focused on his partner’s feelings and not his own. In fact, most of the advice presented by the male author has to do with being a listener, to make time, to be modest, and so on – without providing any advice on how to relate one’s own feelings. Another interesting line of research in response to the two articles potentially is how self-centered men are compared to women. That would provide some insight into whether men or women are more likely to center the conversation about feelings or circumstances on their own perspective rather than the perspective of the other person in the relationship. Scholarly Evaluation Both articles began with the presupposition that communication forms the basis for any healthy relationship. Not only is this intuitive, but it is supported by the available scholarly literature. Stanley, Markman, and Whitton (2002) present evidence that negative interaction (i.e. poor communication) is negatively correlated with every index of relationship quality and positively associated with thoughts of divorce (among married couple). The results are statistically robust and supports, in the researchers’ informed opinion, an entire body of research on the subject. In order for couples to be successfully treated (the purpose of the research was to support efforts at guiding troubled couples through tense conversations), there needs to be a safe place for issues to be addressed in treatment in addition to efforts that help romantic pairs to develop reliable methods for talking safely and openly about various topics. Connected with the popular articles we reviewed earlier, these topics would include general feelings. Persinger and Makarec (1991) presents evidence directly related to the advice of these articles with respect to how egotistical or self-concerned males are relative to females. The results of their research revealed that males present themselves as more egotistical, confrontational, and less dependent upon others. In addition, they have a greater tendency to endorse behaviors that have less concern of social norms as well as a greater tendency to deny internal states (such as anger and individual mortality). Men, in general, were rated as more extraverted than women. The sum of all these findings seem to support the general assumption that men tend to focus any discussion of feelings upon themselves rather than on others’ feelings. In that respect, the men’s article’s advice not to monopolize the discussion is valid. Likewise, the women’s article’s advice to address feelings directly and to involve men in discussion about relationship issues seems to be facially valid based on these findings. Simon and Nath (2004) did not find clear evidence of increased emotionality among men relative to women. In fact, based on their findings from a national sample within the United States, there is little correlation between men and women in their feelings and expressive behavior. That is in contrast to cultural beliefs (namely, that men are less emotional than women), the researchers found that women do not report more frequent emotional experiences than men. Their findings did indicate that men report more frequently positive feelings than women, whereas women report more frequent negative feelings. The insight one may take away from that is that the advice in both columns is aimed at getting through difficult conversations in relationships without making the situation worse. That is directly relatable to the observation that women are more likely to communicate with their partner about a negative emotion than a positive emotion. The specific emotions at hand here are calmness and excitement in the case of men and anxiety and sadness in the case of women. A last piece of scholarly research directly related to the columns has to do with the concept of relationship satisfaction as treated in Meeks, Hendrick, and Hendrick (1998). Relationship satisfaction is predicted by self-disclosure, which means that both partners disclose information about their own emotional states. Own- and partner-perceived disclosure, in fact, are significantly correlated with satisfaction. Perceived disclosure is actually distinguished from actual disclosure, the latter of which is much less predictive of relationship satisfaction. In other words, men or women need to only make the other person in a relationship believe that he or she is disclosing emotions in a healthy way. That result offers a possible alternative explanation to whether communication is truly a prerequisite for a successful relationship; that alternative is the suggestion that perceptions of open communication (when communication is actually based on lies) are actually the basis of solid relationships. Social Impact I believe that the issue of romantic communication affects everyone who is in a romantic relationship with another person. As the secondary research by Stanley, Markman, and Whitton (2002) showed, communication is an essential element to every successful relationship and is positively associated with indices of relationship health. If more people sought out the advice of relationship counselors or columnists, I would be curious to see if divorce rates would decrease – as more people would be aware of the need to approach issues from both perspectives and to share feelings openly while maintaining a healthy system of expressing those sentiments. More people would question their own assumptions about how people approach relationship issues and question the assumptions held by society at large. At the same time, the public needs to not trust entirely everything it reads on the internet and to understand the importance of checking claims of columnists against actual scientific research. Personal Impact As someone who is involved in a romantic relationship myself, I find these advice columns and the supporting scholarly research to be enormously helpful as guides toward bettering my approach toward communication with my partner. At least reading these kinds of articles and exploring the background knowledge in depth shows a fundamental concern with a desire to improve relationship communications. I hope to apply each perspective toward approaching each issue that my romantic partner and I encounter toward a mutual understanding. I also understand the need to question assumptions held by others and claims made in advice columns like those I collected from the internet. Conclusion Taking all of this information together, it is clear that there are truths to the columnists’ advice, which are written for gender-specific audiences. On the other hand, it is always important to check assumptions held by society (such as the assumption that men are not as emotional as women) as well as assumptions held by those who are offering advice on the internet. Seeing both perspectives on relationship communication is a stimulating experience, and it provided an extensive list of research questions to pursue about how men and women communicate differently. Works Cited Meeks, Brenda S., Susan S. Hendrick and Clyde Hendrick. "Communication, Love and Relationship Satisfaction." Journal of Social and Personal Relationships 15 (1998): 755-773. Mitchell, Lawrence. 5 Ways To Communicate With Women. 28 February 2015. 3 March 2015. . Persinger, Michael A. and Katherine Makarec. "Psychometric Differentiation of Men and Women by the Personal Philosophy Inventory." Personality and Individual Differences 12 (1991): 1267–1271. Raye, Rori. 3 Tips To Help You Communicate With Men The RIGHT Way. 4 January 2015. 3 March 2015. . Simon, Robin W. and Leda E. Nath. "Gender and Emotion in the United States: Do Men and Women Differ in Self-Reports of Feelings and Expressive Behavior?" American Journal of Sociology 109 (2004): 1137-1176. Stanley, Scott M., Howard J. Markman and Sarah W. Whitton. "Communication, Conflict, and Commitment: Insights on the Foundations of Relationship Success from a National Survey." Family Process 41 (2002): 659-675. Read More