Working on the We without Neglecting the I in We - Assignment Example

 Working on the “We” without Neglecting the “I” in “We” Dear Luke and Mei, First of all, congratulations to your engagement! An engagement is one of the first steps toward a lasting relationship and is the step closest to the institution of marriage. I am here to help you both in improving your skills in interpersonal communication because they are essential to a strong and happy intimate relationship. I intend to focus on particular topics that are relevant to your stage of relationship and individual identities. The main points of this letter are: (1) the principles of and misconceptions in effective interpersonal communications; (2) the barriers to effective interpersonal interactions; (3) emotional intelligence (EI) and its role in effective interpersonal relationships; (4) strategies for managing interpersonal conflicts; (5) strategies for active, critical, and empathic listening; and (6) the impact of gender and culture on interpersonal communications. In order to effectively use interpersonal communication in your relationship, you need to understand the principles of and misconceptions in effective interpersonal communications, eliminate or reduce barriers to effective interpersonal interactions, improve your EI, learn strategies for managing interpersonal conflicts, enhance active, critical, and empathic listening practices, and understand and respond to the impact of gender and culture on your interpersonal communications. My first point is to explain the principles and misconceptions in effective interpersonal communications because they are fundamental knowledge that can help you understand what effective interpersonal communications are. The first principle is that people are always communicating with one another in verbal and/or nonverbal ways (Wood, 2010, p.27). Even silence is a form of communication. Effective interpersonal communication is about knowing how to read the overt and hidden messages behind your partner’s verbal and nonverbal expressions because all are part of your communication practices and affect your interpersonal relationship. The second principle is that interpersonal communication cannot be reversed (Wood, 2010, p.27). You cannot say or send a text message and pretend it can be reversed. This is why you have to be very careful in what you say or do because, once expressed, they cannot be retrieved or even forgotten. The third principle is that interpersonal communication concerns making ethical choices (Wood, 2010, p.27). To do or say what is right involves our ethical systems. You must know each other’s ethics and what ethics you also plan to use in your communications. The fourth principle is that people derive meanings in interpersonal communications (Wood, 2010, p.28). You will always be interpreting what each other mean, so it is important to be clear in what you say to one another. These meanings also affect how we see ourselves and one another, so we must not be vague or debasing in these meanings that we send to our partners. The fifth principle is that metacommunication affects meanings too (Wood, 2010, p.29). Metacommunication is about the communication of communication (West & Turner, 2011, p.362). An example is when your partner says that she does not like when you use a certain tone of voice because she feels that you are talking down on her. You have to be sensitive also to how you communicate with one another because it says something about your self-concept and your concept of your partner’s identity. The sixth principle is that interpersonal communication is essential to developing and sustaining relationships (Wood, 2010, p.30). Interpersonal communication is the main method of building and transforming personal relationships, so you should not take it for granted (Wood, 2010, p.30). The last principle is that effectiveness in interpersonal communication can be learned (Wood, 2010, p.31). This is my main goal, to help you become effective in interpersonal communication so that you can have a strong, loving, respectful relationship. My next point after discussing the principles of effective interpersonal communications is to describe misconceptions on effective interpersonal communications. If you know these misconceptions, you can better set realistic expectations about your interpersonal communications goals and expectations. The first misconception is that interpersonal communication solves all problems (West & Turner, 2011, p.30). Just because you are a good communicator, it does not mean that you can solve all problems. Communication is an important, but not the single, factor of problem-solving. You also have to consider how you can both analyze the causes of your problems and be prepared to face harsh truths about your biases and assumptions that may be harming your relationship. The second misconception is that interpersonal communication is always good (West & Turner, 2011, p.31). Interpersonal communication is not always needed at all times to have a strong and happy relationship. Other factors also matter, such as respect for each other’s privacy and cultural beliefs, for instance. The third misconception is that interpersonal communication is a matter of common sense (West & Turner, 2011, p.31). Interpersonal communication is not something automatic or natural to all of us. We always have to be open in learning on how to improve our interpersonal communication skills and how they can help strengthen our intimate relationships. The fourth misconception is that interpersonal communication is similar with interpersonal relationships (West & Turner, 2011, p.32). They are different because interpersonal communication is only one of the many processes in building interpersonal relationships. The last misconception is that interpersonal communication includes only face-to-face communication (West & Turner, 2011, p.32). You can also communicate to one another through digital or social media and they are not necessarily inferior to face-to-face communication, depending on how you use it and how truthful you are in your expressions through these media channels. Apart from these misconceptions on effective interpersonal communications, you also need to know the barriers to effective communication, so that you can avoid them in your own communication practices. The first barrier is silence or refusing to communicate (Sole, 2011, p.9.1). Silence may only be helpful if you are too angry to speak without saying something really hurtful that you do not really mean and will regret afterwards. However, prolonged silence can harm your relationship because it avoids a meaningful discussion of conflicts or issues (Sole, 2011, p.9.1). The second barrier is placating your loved one which means to calm someone by being nice to them or by yielding to the other person’s demands (Sole, 2011, p.9.1). Placating may be useful if the situation is too tense for a productive conversation to take place; however, using this frequently disservices you and your partner because it means that you are not expressing your true emotions and opinions (Sole, 2011, p.9.1). When done for a long time, placating can choke the expression of your identity and decrease your sense of self-worth (Sole, 2011, p.9.1). The third barrier is playing games (Sole, 2011, p.9.1). Eric Berne said that people sometimes play games when their actions are different from their ulterior motives (Sole, 2011, p.9.1). Playing games is a dysfunctional communication process because it involves deception and secrecy (Sole, 2011, p.9.1). Aside from barriers to communication, you have to learn to avoid these barriers to effective interpersonal interactions. Language is a barrier when differences in language skills and ability to interpret verbal and nonverbal expressions can lead to interpersonal problems (Hogan, 2013, p.48). If you do not know yet that when your partner says “Nothing’s wrong” it means something is really wrong, then you’re in trouble. Preconceptions and stereotypes are also barriers because they are like negative lens by which you see one another (Hogan, 2013, p.48). Perhaps you have preconceptions and stereotypes about gender and culture and you should remove them if they are inaccurate, since they will only emerge soon enough to drive you apart. Discriminatory treatment is another barrier because, as a product of preconceived and prejudiced thinking, it can lead to negative experiences (Hogan, 2013, p.48). You are practicing discrimination, for instance, if you are saying that you are placating your partner because she is a woman. Judgment is one more barrier when based on faulty preconceptions, prejudices, and discriminations (Hogan, 2013, p.49). Judgment lately has taken a negative connotation by referring to biased judgment, so you have to avoid this if you want an effective interpersonal interaction. The final barrier is stress (Hogan, 2013, p.49). Stress usually comes from situations where familiar communication/action cues are missing and your partner misinterprets your intentions and/or behaviors. Now that you know these barriers to effective interpersonal interactions, you should be more conscious of how breakdown in interpersonal communications happens. My next goal after describing the barriers to effective interpersonal interactions is to define emotional intelligence and its role in effective interpersonal relationships. Emotional intelligence (EI) refers to a person’s capacity to understand, communicate, and manage emotions and feelings, including the ability to understand and respond to the feelings of others (Sole, 2011, p.9.2). EI has various roles in effective interpersonal relationships. Schutte et al. (2001) showed in their studies how EI affects interpersonal relationships. First, EI can boost empathic perspective taking and self-monitoring in social situations. (Schutte et al., 2001). If you have EI, you know how to understand your loved one’s perspectives and respect them. You can also control your emotions to avoid heated conversations. EI can also improve social skills (Schutte et al., 2001). If you have EI, you can become more sociable toward your partner because you consider your social relationship’s interests. EI can further enhance cooperative responses toward partners (Schutte et al., 2001). With EI, you become more understanding that compromises sometimes have to be made for the long-term welfare of your relationship. Moreover, people with high EI tend to have close and affectionate relationships (Schutte et al., 2001). Empathy tends to make you more loving toward one another. In addition, people with high EI tend to have higher marital satisfaction (Schutte et al., 2001). People with high EI tend to have greater satisfaction in relationships with partners because they are in tune and responsive to each other’s needs, and yes, even desires (Schutte et al., 2001). My subsequent goal after describing the role of EI in effective interpersonal relationships is to illustrate strategies for managing interpersonal conflicts. When partners experience conflicts, their emotions are affected, and so conflicts can impact the relationship if the conflict is not resolved according to the best interests of the parties involved (Sole, 2011, p.9.3). The following are some strategies for managing interpersonal conflicts: (1) Develop an assertive communication style because it is neither too passive nor aggressive (Sole, 2011, p.9.4). An assertive communication style uses open, clear, and fluent communication strategies. An assertive communicator is empathic, but you also know how to express your individuality or the “I” in the “We”; (2) Use positively toned conflict styles (Segrin, Hanzal, & Domschke, 2009, p.209). Some examples are avoiding the use of judgmental tones or words, as well as prejudiced expressions; and (3) Avoid projecting self-perceptions on your partner to reduce inaccurate assessments and misunderstandings (Segrin, Hanzal, & Domschke, 2009, p.211). You cannot manage conflicts if you start from your own perspective. Learn how to “read” your partner and find ways of communicating firmly and honestly. Besides strategies for managing interpersonal conflicts, you also need to develop strategies for active, critical, and empathic listening in order to have effective interpersonal communication skills. Active listening entails suspending your responses while listening, so that you can fully concentrate on what your loved one is saying (West & Turner, 2011, p.249). Some strategies for active listening are: (1) Suspend reactions until after your partner has finished speaking (Sole, 2011, p.7.3); (2) Do not interrupt your partner even if you are hearing inaccurate information (Sole, 2011, p.7.3). Try to memorize important points and recall that later when it is your time to speak; and (3) Concentrate on hearing, understanding, and remembering particular pieces of information that you may refer to later (Sole, 2011, p.7.3). Active listening is essential to assertive communication style because it means that you also plan to express your side without judging the side of your loved one. Critical listening refers to understanding and evaluating the speaker’s message properly through reading accurately both verbal and non-verbal expression and considering other factors, such as the personal circumstances of the speaker (Sole, 2011, p.7.3). Some of the strategies for critical listening are: (1) Listen for your partner’s main points and determine their strengths and weaknesses so that you can prepare an effective response by courteously countering the arguments or presenting important points that the speaker may not have forgotten (Sole, 2011, p.7.3); and (2) Listen for opportunities to collaborate or to agree with your partner, and build rapport (Sole, 2011, p.7.3). Critical listening avoids subjective judgments that can hurt one another and lead to one-way, biased perceptions. Empathic listening takes place when you make a purposeful attempt to connect with another person and to put yourself in his or her shoes or give a supportive listening environment (Sole, 2011, p.7.3). Several strategies for empathic listening are: (1) Do not make judgments about what your partner is saying because he/she may not know everything yet or may be too emotional to accept your responses (Sole, 2011, p.7.3); and (2) Listen with an open mind from the perspective of your partner (Sole, 2011, p.7.3). Demonstrate empathy in listening to show that you value your loved one enough to respect him or her in your discussions. My final point is that to have effective interpersonal communication skills, you must understand the impact of gender and culture on your interpersonal communications, so that can you can properly listen to and interpret one another. Gender has an effect on interpersonal communications. Differences in communication styles may be based on gender differences, although not all the time (Sole, 2011, p.8.3). The work of Lakoff suggested that differences can be found between the communication of men and women in dimensions of use of power and influence, communication strategies, and conversational style (Sole, 2011, p.8.3). Some gender effects on interpersonal communication are that men prefer direct and open communication, while women might want to be more face-saving or passive in communication style (Sole, 2011, p.8.3). Perhaps you can think about how your gender affects communication too, and find ways to be more respectful of how gender is a factor in your interpersonal communication. Culture also impacts interpersonal communications. Three significant functions of culture in a society are to help people create their identity, to generate order and organization in the society, and to describe gender roles (Sole, 2011, p.6.2). Anthropologist Edward T. Hall, in his 1959 book The Silent Language, asserts that "culture is communication and communication is culture" (Hall, 1981, p. 186 as cited in Sole, 2011, p.6.2). Culture shapes communication, and communication makes and supports culture by transmitting it through verbal, writing, and nonverbal expressions (Sole, 2011, p.6.2). Culture also affects how gender norms and behaviors impact interpersonal communications (Sole, 2011, p.6.2). In your case, Chinese and American cultures are different because the first is more high-context and collectivistic, while the latter is more low-context and individualistic (Sole, 2011, p.6.2). You should know your cultural differences and develop strategies in respecting and appreciating them without necessarily losing your own cultural identity (Sole, 2011, p.6.2). The key is not assimilating and neglecting your cultural and gender identities, but being more aware of them, so that you can respect them, know how they impact your interpersonal communications, and celebrate these differences that make you both unique individuals. To wrap up my main points, you can improve interpersonal communication in your relationship, and in order to do so, you need to understand the principles of and misconceptions in effective interpersonal communications, eliminate or reduces barriers to effective interpersonal interactions, improve your EI, learn strategies for managing interpersonal conflicts, and boost active, critical, and empathic listening, and understand and respond to the impact of gender and culture on your interpersonal communications. You can improve how you communicate with each other by being more aware of how you speak and how you use nonverbal expressions in relation to your partner’s expressions too. Finally, you can communicate more effectively if you avoid using negatively-worded statements and become more empathic of the situation of your partner without neglecting your own needs and dreams. I hope that I have offered valuable information and strategies in how you can improve your interpersonal communications. Like what I said, you can continuously improve your skills in interpersonal communications and what makes this learning interesting and fulfilling is that you can do it together. Sincerely, _____________ References Hogan, M. (2013). The four skills of cultural diversity competence. California: Brooks/Cole. Schutte, N.S., Malouff, J.M., Bobik, C., Coston, T. D., Greeson, C., Jedlicka, C., Rhodes, E., & Wendorf, G. (2001). Emotional intelligence and interpersonal relations. Journal of Social Psychology, 141(4), 523-536. Segrin, C., Hanzal, A., & Domschke, T.J. (2009). Accuracy and bias in newlywed couples' perceptions of conflict styles and the association with marital satisfaction. Communication Monographs, 76(2), 207-233. Sole, K. (2011). Making connections: Understanding interpersonal communication. California: Bridgepoint Education, Inc. West, R., & Turner, L. (2011). Understanding interpersonal communication: Making choices in changing times (2nd ed.). Massachusetts: Wadsworth Cengage. Wood, J.T. (2010). Interpersonal communication: Everyday encounters (6th ed.). Massachusetts: Wadsworth-Cengage. Read More