Martial Relationships before and after Getting Married in UAE - Essay Example

Problems and solutions of martial relationships before and after getting married in UAE Introduction: The society of UAE is culturally conservative and in the process of evolution. An enormous gender gap exists in the wake of social and educational development in the region. Educated young men and women have developed an entirely different attitude towards life and relationships in general, while globalization has affected the personal, professional and social lifestyle of Emiratis as well. They no longer think like their parents- yet they are in the process of carving an identity for themselves. Their traditional cultural and religious practices often clash with their contemporary thinking, as it still influences their personalities. This creates confusion and chaos in their marital relationships. Finding solutions to end marital problems in UAE requires counselling, educating and creating awareness about the responsibilities of marriage among the youth of Emirates. In the traditional patriarchal society of UAE, women are expected to be obedient, domesticated, and willing to attend to the needs of everyone in the family. In a marital relationship, she is particularly responsible to take care of: physical, sexual, emotional and domestic needs of her husband; children; and in-laws. Carrying out domestic or household chores is the sole responsibility of the womenfolk. Men are the traditional bread earners of the family, and therefore their decisions cannot be challenged by their wives. While this traditional patriarchal system has survived through ages, the 21st century woman is breaking this concept. “Emirati women in 2010 were ranked number one in terms of gender equality among the whole Arab world and our ranking internationally was 103. This is a big leap,” said Shamsa Saleh, Chief Executive Officer of the DWE. (Chowdhury, 2011 April 02, Khaleej Times Online ) The society of UAE is mostly governed by Islamic laws, also called sharia and family laws pertaining to marriage and divorce are handled accordingly. Muslim men are allowed to have four wives at the same time and they can even marry non-Muslim women. However, they have to bear the financial expenditures of all their wives and children. They are the ‘providers’ of their wives and children and in return their wives are supposed to be absolutely chaste, obedient, and available to satisfy their sexual and domestic needs. United Arab Emirates is one of the advanced countries in the entire gulf region. Exposure to foreign lifestyle due to tourism, foreign media, multinational organizations with its multinational work force and education has gradually changed the social system of Emirates. The youth has responded well to the social changes and they find it implausible to fit the traditional practices in their modern and contemporary lifestyles. The most adverse affect of the clash of civilizations has been on marital relationships. An increase in the divorce rate has been recorded in UAE during the past few decades. “According to latest available statistics, the UAE leads GCC states in divorce rates, which hit 36 per cent, reported Emarat Al Youm”. (Emirates 24/7, March 04, 2011) Many reasons have been cited for this, among which infidelity, patriarchal system, dowry, inability to understand each other’s personal, emotional, physical and financial needs are prominent. A divorce not only shatters a family but creates social instability as well. 2. Premarital problems: Marriages in the traditional UAE society are arranged by elders or parents of the bride and groom. Family or cousin marriages are usually preferred as social status is considered as an important aspect of marriage. Financial aspects might become a cause of pre-marital problems as the girl’s family has to arrange for dowry and the overall wedding expenses can go really high. This puts undue strain on the budgets of both the families and might create discord between the married couple. According to Maitha Al Shamsi, Minister of State and Head of the State Marriage Fund, “There is a strong relationship between exaggeration in family spending and the growing problems that destroy the marital life.” (Emirates24/7, August 10, 2010) The government of UAE encourages girls to pursue high education and careers but their tradition requires them to marry at a young age. Lack of education prohibits women to take up careers after getting married and to share the financial burden with their husbands. If a woman works or is career oriented and wants to be financially independent, she is bound to receive criticism from her family, society, in-laws and future husband. Men do not approve working prospective wives because they fear that this would undermine their supremacy as the head of the family. They assume that such girls tend to neglect home and family, which are considered as the primary duties of a woman. This may also become an excuse to divorce their wives in future. The match making process in UAE hardly involves the decision of the marrying couple and such marriages are likely to dissolve. There is no concept of dating or courtship in the society of UAE, which makes it hard for couples to interact and understand each other. Financial issues like dowry and expensive weddings also arise before marriage and pressurize the engaged couple to a great extent. Many families cannot afford expensive weddings or dowries and their children face problems during the matchmaking process. In some cases, men are involved in illicit sexual relationships or have secret wives (mostly foreign) but such facts are not disclosed before marriage. The bride-to-be might remain unaware of the first marriage/relationship of her husband and later bear the consequences. According to the traditions of Emirates’ society, parents arrange marriages of their children at young ages. Therefore, they do not fully realize the significance and responsibilities of marriage. Young boys and girls might be more interested in love and romance rather than the financial and practical matters of married life. Such immature behaviour yields high levels of expectancy regarding love and romance in marriage, which if not consummated becomes the cause of many problems after getting married. Apart from estimating the future financial needs and domestic duties of a family, the engaged couple ignores the fact that it is really important to understand each other’s psyche, emotional and physical needs. 3. Post-marital problems: Post marital problems are bound to arise in almost every marriage but what really matters is how to solve them. If such problems are not addressed with responsibility, things can get worse and may end in divorce. The society of UAE has changed dynamically owing to the exposure of media and its economic development. The portrayal of women as beautiful, sexy, and desirable objects has made men very demanding; likewise, women demand their husbands to fulfil all their material desires regardless of their financial status. Such unreasonable high levels of expectancy from each other can wreck the lives of the couples and their children. It also becomes a source of discord and frequent arguments between husband and wife that force men to look for other alternatives such as illicit relationships or polygamy or physical or mental abuse of their wives. While Emirati young men often blame Emirati women for costly weddings, interfering parents, and being too demanding, many native women believe that the main reason why they marry foreign women is because such women are more easily dominated by emeriti husbands given their distance from family support and thus their dependence on the husband in every way. Emirati women believe that as natives, they are less ‘docile’ and ‘subservient’ than wives from Indonesia, Malaysia, the Philippines, and India, arguing that Emirati men too often want maids and sex, not wives with rights and families. (Hasso, 2010, p.79) Couples naturally look for emotional and romantic fulfilment through marriage. Material satisfaction is very important in their lives but inexpressiveness of feelings and emotions or having a cold attitude towards each other or suppressing sexual desires also gives rise to numerous post marital problems. Such attitudes often result in forced marriages and are likely to end in divorce. Today, Emirati women are working in all fields of life. In many cases, wives are more educated than their husbands and might have better jobs than them. This challenges the male dominance in any marital relationship and causes bitterness on the part of husbands. Such women may not handle their domestic duties efficiently and thus their husbands blame them for neglecting home and children. According to the cultural setup of UAE, men seldom contribute in carrying out domestic work or rearing children. Such families become victims of domestic disputes and failed marriages. As women are more educated than in the past, they are now more aware of their rights and are not willing to take cold, harsh or abusive treatments of their husbands or in-laws. Mental or physical torture is also one of the reasons why women file for divorce. Interference of family members also leads to misunderstanding and eventually ends in divorce. Though men are allowed by law to marry four women at the same time, this practice hurts their familial lives to a great extent. Inability to maintain balance between all wives often result in divorce. Infidelity is thus one of the major post marital problems in UAE and elsewhere in the world. Emirati men often marry secretly and its disclosure to the first wife results in divorce. Women of Emirates no longer want to suffer from the infidelity of their husbands, especially if they are working or have sound financial background. Post marital problems also arise in cases where men marry foreigners, which is an increasing trend in UAE. As it has a tourist based economy therefore it has promoted mixed-marriages. Foreign women marry Emirati men mainly for financial reasons or as a means to stay in UAE as mothers of Emirati children. Such marriages also do not last longer due to clash of cultures. Marriages between UAE nationals and foreign-born wives are more likely to end in divorce, which can be difficult for children... it is also possible that the increase in the number of women attaining higher education is adversely affecting the number of marriages between UAE citizens. Women who are heavily committed to pursuing their educations and furthering their careers may find little time to concern themselves with marriage and family matters. (Darraj & Puller, 2008, p.61) Thus the couples of UAE have to face multitude of problems before and after getting married. Most of the problems are a consequence of the cultural practices like arranged or forced marriages, marrying at young ages, inability to understand the emotional and financial responsibilities of marriage, restrictions on courtship before getting married, and financial problems like dowry and expensive weddings. High levels of expectancy regarding money matters, love, romance and sexual pleasures mislead the engaged couples and once faced with the real situation; they find it extremely difficult to adjust to reality. Post marital problems are the sequel of pre marital problems. In case of arranged marriages, couples find it difficult to form a mutual bond of love and affection. Emotional inexpressiveness and cold/harsh treatment give rise to problems that end in dire consequences. Sometimes, it also becomes a reason for men to go for extra marital affairs or polygamy. Inability to understand the career needs of each other also become insolvable problems. Social or educational inequality may also become a cause of arguments or estrangement. Financial problems, interference from family members and clash of cultures in case of marrying a foreigner are also some other serious problems in marital relationships in UAE. “The interference of the family in the life of the couple and the lack of premarital counselling for the couple may result in marital conflicts and divorce, especially among young couples.” (Lawrence, Leung, Norsworthy, & Heppner, 2009, p. 467) 4. Solutions: The new generation is opposed to arranged or forced marriages. They wish to have their say in the decisions regarding their marriages. Therefore, parents and elders should involve their children in the match making process. If such confidence building measures are taken before settling marriages, children would feel free to confide in their parents about their choices regarding their prospective spouses. This would also reduce the number of secret marriages and polygamy in UAE. As couples marry at very young ages, therefore they sometimes fail to understand the responsibilities of marriage. They head into marital relationships without thinking about their future. Marriage counselling is therefore imperative for all couples before getting married so that they understand what marriage is all about. By understanding the responsibilities of marriage, couples can cope with post marital issues in a better way. The customs of dowry and expensive weddings and lifestyles are prevalent in the society of UAE. This puts unnecessary burden on the families of the couples. Not belonging to the same social class for the couples is also a burning issue in UAE. The government should impose restrictions on pompous weddings and encourage simple weddings. Similarly, restrictions should also be made on dowry so that those families that cannot afford expensive weddings or dowries should be able to marry respectably. Discrimination based on social class should also be addressed and Emirati men and women should be allowed to marry according to their choice, without considering the social class barriers. Even in case of arranged marriages, the engaged couples should be able to court each other because it would help them understand each other in a better way. This may also give them a chance to develop romantic association that is very important for a happily married life. As many problems arise due to high levels of expectancy regarding beauty, sexual desires, finances, love and romance; therefore married couples should think and act practically and rationally. They should understand and overlook each other’s weaknesses and focus on the strong aspects of their marriage. While love, romance, sex drive and money are of significant importance; at the same time, respect, understanding and companionship is also very crucial. Men should seek happiness in their wives and family lives rather than having illicit relationships or going for secret marriages because at the end of the day, such actions harm them emotionally and financially. Wives should understand the sexual needs/demands of their husbands and be open about their feelings. Inexpressiveness or cold treatment in marital relationships lead to estrangement but can definitely be avoided. If problems arise due to financial reasons, both partners should discuss the matters honestly. If wives work, husbands should understand that it is for the betterment of their family. They should cooperate with their working wives and help in their domestic chores. If one partner thinks that the other is neglecting children, he/she should try to make up for it rather than arguing about it and ending the marriage. Both partners should have the courage to handle their private affairs on their own and not let their families interfere. Before marrying a foreigner, men should understand the long term consequences in case their marriage dissolves. If they marry foreigners, they should give them their due rights ad independence so that their marriages can last forever. 5. Conclusion: In the dynamic society of UAE, finding solutions to end marital problems requires counselling, educating and creating awareness about the responsibilities of marriage among the youth of Emirates. The youth of Emirates have to redefine the concept and ideology of marriage according to contemporary times and lifestyles. Marital problems start arising with the match making tradition of the society of UAE. Young men and women should be given the right to choose their spouses and be given opportunities to court each other before getting married. Building emotional bond with prospective life partners can help them understand each other and develop a strong relationship. The engaged couples can go for premarital counselling in order to understand the responsibilities of marriage. Thus, during courtship, men and women can learn about their roles and duties towards each other and their respective careers. Government should make it mandatory for marrying couples to attend counselling sessions and address all issues of marriage. It is important to create social awareness about the rise in divorce rates in the UAE and the possible reasons for it. Society should join in the efforts made by the government in spreading awareness about the causes and consequences of divorce on families, children and society. It is imperative for both partners to handle their domestic and financial matters with responsibility. They should be aware of their roles and responsibilities of balancing work and home before getting married. With the rising costs of living, each partner should understand that the financial and domestic responsibilities need to be shared. Secret marriages, polygamy and extramarital affairs wreck the lives of families, particularly of children. The counselling sessions should focus on this aspect so that men think twice before getting into any such activities. Similarly, before marrying foreign women men should be aware about the clash or difference in cultures and its probable effects on their marriage. Marrying foreigners might be an emotional decision but it should be done thoughtfully. The national media of UAE can address this issue to a great extent. It can become the most effective tool in counselling, educating and creating awareness about the problems in marital relationships. The youth should be advised not to take divorce as an easy way out; they should stay in a marital relationship to sort things out. Marriage counselling for married couples can help a great deal in solving issues like mental and physical abuse, neglecting home and family etc. Efforts done on national, social, and individual scales can enable people to overcome the difficulties in their marriages and give their children a better and brighter future. References Chowdhury, F. (2011, April 12). DWE chalks out strategy to make Emirati women leaders. Khaleej Times Online. Retrieved from: http://www.khaleejtimes.com/darticlen.asp?xfile=data/theuae/2011/April/theuae_April321.xml§ion=theuae Darraj, M. S., Puller, M. (2008). Creation of the Modern Middle East: United Arab Emirates. Infobase publishing, New York. Gerstein, H. L., Leung, S., Norsworthy, K., & Heppner, P. (2009). International handbook of cross-cultural counseling: Cultural assumptions and practices worldwide. SAGE, California. Hasso, F. (2010). Consuming desires: Family crisis and the state in the Middle East. Stanford University Press, California. Reporter. (2011, March 06). UAE leads GCC in divorce rates. Emirates24/7. Retrieved from: http://www.emirates247.com/news/emirates/uae-leads-gcc-in-divorce-rates-2011-03-06-1.364440 Reporter. (2010, August 10). Why a dream wedding may end your marriage? Emirates24/7. Retrieved from: http://www.emirates247.com/news/emirates/why-a-dream-wedding-may-end-your-marriage-2010-08-10-1.277191 Literature Review: Reporter. (2011, March 06). UAE leads GCC in divorce rates. Emirates24/7. March Retrieved from: http://www.emirates247.com/news/emirates/uae-leads-gcc-in-divorce-rates-2011-03-06-1.364440 According to this article, a training programme for new couples called ‘Eadad’ has been launched by the State Marriage Fund has also started. The aim of this programme is to educate new couples about marital demands and risks of divorce. Shariah scholars have also recommended these programmes to be made compulsory so as to build a strong society. This programme includes accredited training courses which inform them about the different life the new couples shall have as man and wife, after leaving their parents’ homes. According to one of the participants of this programme, it helped them reshape their thinking about marriage and its associated problems and how to solve them. Another participant commented that it should be made mandatory because it includes a number of sharia laws as well. Such programmes are also launched in Singapore and Japan and have greatly reduced the rates of divorce. A decline in the divorce rates has also been witnessed during 2007-2009 and the government wishes to introduce telephone counselling, hotline with a family guide, supporting orphans until 21 years, etc. to help couples save their marriages. It also has amended the Social Security Act to create more stable families. Reporter. (2010, August 10). Why a dream wedding may end your marriage. Emirates24/7. Retrieved from: http://www.emirates247.com/news/emirates/why-a-dream-wedding-may-end-your-marriage-2010-08-10-1.277191 It is reported in this article that the State Marriage Fund launched a campaign under the title: Towards Real Rationalization of Family Spending that lasted till the end of August 2010. This fund sponsors the weddings of thousands of couples every year. Though the Head of State Marriage Fund is hopeful that such media campaigns will help a great deal in putting an end to the negative traditions of society like dowry and heavy spending on weddings; yet it cannot completely exterminate them. Such negative traditions have strong roots and it will take a lot of time and comprehensive strategy to change negative habits. Darraj, M. S., Puller, M. (2008). Creation of the modern Middle East: United Arab Emirates. Infobase publishing, New York. This book is about the UAE which is made up of seven individual emirates. It enjoys a stable economy due to its vast oil reserves that make up one-tenth of the total oil reserves in the world. About 80% of its inhabitants are foreign workers and their families, and the tolerant and cosmopolitan atmosphere of UAE has sustained regional stability. It also enjoys close ties with USA. The excerpt quoted above has been taken from the chapter titled: Women in the UAE. The Women’s Federation discourages UAE citizens to marry foreigners because it poses real marital problems. It also discourages foreign domestic help and advises to look for child care centres for working mothers. Women make up 22% of the work force and about 66% of government employees are women. Polygamy is also addressed as one of the major problems that instigate divorce. Gerstein, H. L., Leung, S., Norsworthy, K., & Heppner, P. (2009). International handbook of cross-cultural counselling: Cultural assumptions and practices worldwide. SAGE, California. This book is about the profession of counselling and its importance in various walks of life. More than eighty world-renowned scholars have contributed their research in this book. It has chapters on multi-cultural and cross cultural psychology related to counselling in a global context. It also includes chapters on the current state of counselling in various parts of the world. The three main countries of the Middle East that were researched upon are: Turkey, Israel and the United Arab Emirates. The importance of counselling in problems related to marriage is discussed at length with particular reference to the cultural trends in each society. It emphasizes upon the need for marrying couples or new couples to seek counselling in order to cope with problems in their marriage. Hasso, F. (2010). Consuming desires: Family crisis and the state in the Middle East. Stanford University Press, California. This book explores the new types of marriages that have started to take place in UAE in response to the strict sharia laws pertaining to marriage. Such marriages do not need to be registered with the state and allow men and women to live together without any obligations to each other. The legal and cultural responses to such secret marriages are also discussed. This trend has received varied response from religious clerics, individuals, women of different classes and locations etc. In this chapter, the author focuses on exogamous or marriages to foreign nationals and its consequences on their personal and social lives and of their children. Marrying foreigners in a tourist economy is a rather simple thing but things get bad in case of their divorce. According to law, a foreign woman can stay in Emirates if she has an Emirati child, and it is the financial responsibility of her ex-husband to provide food, housing and other basic needs to his children. Therefore, according to Mr. Darwish of the Dubai court, she is a financial burden on him and the state. If such women remarry, the new husband might not accept her children thus arising more problems. Chowdhury, F. (2011, April 12). DWE chalks out strategy to make Emirati women leaders. Khaleej Times Online. Retrieved from: http://www.khaleejtimes.com/darticlen.asp?xfile=data/theuae/2011/April/theuae_April321.xml§ion=theuae This article gives an insight about the evolving society of UAE that has given women numerous opportunities to make a niche for themselves in the entire Arab world. Dubai Women’s Establishment has been working since 1996 to integrate women into the national workforce and encourage them to become leaders. It announced its four segments of its strategy: Deciding women, Developing women, Balancing Women and Leading Women. DWE is headed by Shaikha Manal bint Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum, President of the DWE and wife of Shaikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan, Deputy Prime Minister and Minister of Presidential Affairs. One of the primary objectives of the government of UAE is to support Emirati women so that they are able to contribute to the growth of economy. It also wants to improve their status and productivity at workplace. Child care centres have been set up to assist working women that come from various parts and social classes of UAE. The goals of DWE align with ‘Vision 2021’ of the UAE federal strategy. Read More