Divorce in Northern America - Research Paper Example

Important Moment in My Life: Divorce in Northern America The most important moment in my life occurred in a positive turn in my best friend’s life. This happened when we finally succeeded in solving her marriage and she and her husband once more hugged and kissed in front of us (their friends) amidst apologies and tears of joy flowing through their cheeks. I saw the joy and the eternal love in their eyes again as they Martin proposed to marry her again. I felt this was the greatest and the most important day of I life; I felt important and a blessing to my friend as I had succeeded in solving her life’s worst trouble and fear. She had just been married for two years; and already was getting a lot of trouble in her marriage. She was really traumatized by the inevitably changing circumstances in her marriage following a strong and stable relationship she had had with her boyfriend. I remember when she was still in college and was really in love with her boyfriend Martin. Martin too loved her and this is the reason they got married immediately after finishing college. Liz was my best friend and this automatically qualified Martin as a good friend of mine. Consequently, we had many common friends because of this marriage and the friendship network. When Martin proposed divorce as a measure of solving their problems, we were all really devastated and Liz was too depressed to control the situation. I sympathized and empathized with her and at most times everything just went out of hand and I felt like I could no longer help in solving their situation. I too grew distressed of this. We no longer had good moments with Liz as we always deed since she spent most of her time in the bed weeping. Overtime she even grew cold and impossible to engage in a conversation. This reciprocated by withdrawing from our friendship and even withdrawing from her own self; she was no longer eating well nor caring fr her personal hygiene. There is a tremendous increase in divorce rates in the world today especially in the Northern America. In he United States of America, the current divorce rates lies at 50%. This typically means that 50% of America’s marriages end in dissolution (Cherlin Pgs 28-29). This is an alarming issue in the world today as divorce comes with many consequences that negatively involve even the innocent children that find themselves in the middle of such marriages. In Canada alone, statistics show that there are 2.11 divorces per every 500 families; there were 70,226 divorce cases in 2008 alone. This rate is a bit higher in America where there are 3.6 divorce cases per every 1,000 people or 500 families (Cherlin Pg 29). The reasons for divorce varies from one region in the Northern America to another but the impacts are similar (Levinger & Oliver Pg 103). Divorce is a very bitter and heartbreaking monster to many families in the current generation. It mostly involves couples that at one point were very happy together, and they go through traumatizing moments to forget such days after divorce. It is so hard and it takes a long time and a lot of strength for such couples to overcome the confusion and trauma surrounding life, love and relationships. Martin had started withdrawing from Liz immediately they lost their first child at five months. Their child died of chronic pneumonia and Martin had always felt a sense of blame to Liz. He always accused her of negligence and lack of proper care to the child in terms proper and protective dressing of the child. Therefore, he withdrew from Liz after the child’s death and when Liz was devastated and tired of pursuing Martin’s closeness, she too withdrew: not to me this time, bur to our other male friend Jack. Martin felt bad and in turn started being overprotective and jealous about Liz and Jack. At some point, he even engaged jack in a fight and the whole friendship network was falling apart. Liz instead withdrew further to a point that Martin proposed a divorce. This is when Liz again started to feel that she needed him more than ever and unfortunately the whole family was breaking apart. Increasing divorce cases are mainly contributed t by the fact that many couples today lack the basic knowledge and skills to conflict management and resolution. Bothe Liz and Martin in this case had no basic skills to solve their misunderstandings and played the withdrawing dangerous and vicious circle without oblivious of the possible outcome. Many of them think that the best way to go through disagreement or conflict is to break-up; oblivious to the fact that they will actually face many other consequences and disadvantages that they will have very hard times to endure. Even though many of the divorced persons could claim that they are better of without their spouses, they are in actual sense not doing good at all. These divorcees are usually filled with feelings of failure and are affected with the existing stigma of divorce and fear of further failure in dreams of happy marriage and family (Epstein Pg 64). Realistically, divorce does not only affect the couples involved but also affect the children in such families. Divorce could be a solution to some extreme cases such as infidelity but a very wrong act and choice for very many others; like the innocent victims in the lives of the dissolved couples, including extended families and friends (Levinger & Oliver Pg 177). We were greatly affected by the outcome of their conflicts and us as friends started differing as we divided ourselves with different parts supporting different sides. Martin’s friends who ever supported Liz were no longer considered friends to him. I also became his enemy just for my strong place for Liz’s happiness. There are many cause of marriage failure but the greatest and primary causes of this failure are lack of conflict management skills, proper communication and failed expectations. We managed to talk to them both but all was in vain. We then advised them to seek help from a therapist and a Christian counselor, which they obliged. The greatest force we thought of later to solve this marriage was to solve our differences as friends and agreed to focus on the bigger picture-saving the marriage. After thinking for a long time, we advised Jack to approach Martin and make up with him in the presence of Liz. They one day, we surprised them at their home with gifts and worn on the same outfits that we had on the day of their wedding. There are some causes of divorce that can be effectively solved by mere conversation. There are small issues in marriages that have contributed to divorce; that would have been resolved by continuously speaking about them immediately they occur other than allowing them to accumulate and become bigger issues. Proper communication can keep a relationship more enjoyable and healthier. To keep a family far away from the destruction of divorce, especially in the Northern America where people are more engaged in their day-to-day lives with work and other commitments, couples should set up time where family could meet to openly talk and air out their problems, and have some good time together. Such communication strategy kills divorce as a double edged sword as it helps prevent future conflicts, and at the same time it strengthens the family bond or connection (Epstein Pg 108). Since Martin and Liz had lost communication, they needed a fair third party to bring them back this line and this is what we as friends decided to do. On the happy day, after offering the gifts, we slowly insinuated the topic on the state of their marriage. We were very careful not to break hell loose again and soon everyone was laughing. We reminded them of their better days and even made joke of them being so in love and messing around with it. We told them how love is powerful and how we (the single ones) longed for the state of love that they had attained. Lack of communication primarily occurs when one of the couples start to feel that he or she is not understood well. In a relationship, communication is not only composed of what we say, but it is also composed of how we say it. There are a lot of communication couples direct to each other non verbally or in a body language i.e. the tone of voice, nature of gestures, inflection, eye contact and the distance couples keep between them when addressing each other. Better communication means learning how to interpret these non-verbal languages as well as listening. The more one learns this, the more one becomes attuned to it- reading a partner’s non-verbal signals. Couples should actually go to some sort of training on how to communicate properly before getting married in a bid to make them prepared for any future marital adversity and responsibility for their new lives as couples (Nock, Laura & James Pg 95). Apart from lack of communication, another reason many couples in the Northern America divorce today is the high standards and strict expectations they put before getting married. People get at some point disappointed. Disappointments will arise when a partner fails to reach a certain goal or simply could not be able to execute a certain plan especially when they had put a high level of expectation from their partners (Cherlin Pg 82). It is more of judging one’s self and our partners for lack of success. Many people getting into marriage put some imagination and expectation on their so-called future ‘husband’ or ‘wife’. For instance, a wife would expect her husband to perform some ‘magic’ or romance in a specific way she imagines many a times(Kerr & Bowen Pg 200). On the other hand, a husband would expect his wife to behave in a certain way when he comes home like taking his jacket off and directing him to a nice meal after giving him a warm kiss. These contribute to some expectations people do have before they get married and if they realize that they are not being fulfilled after they get married, they give reasons for divorce (Cherlin Pg 77). Somehow, they will lead to some actions that will ensure the couples are not fit to live together anymore. People think that their partners will be perfect enough to meet all their expectations: know what they think, agree with them even when they are wrong, do things exactly the way they want, and love them exactly the way they want it. When these fail to happen like intended, they start blaming their partners and thing that they could get it right with another partner. This is the start of the dissolution of such unions. I had brought Martin and Liz a family book containing the Bowen’s theory of family systems and this book was of a very great help. It focused on the systems that if couples were unaware of, they could most probably destroy their marriage. It involves a principle called ‘trangulation’ that discussed the core problem of their marriage- practicing withdrawal tactic during misunderstandings and family chaos (Kerr & Bowen Pg 206). Therefore, we had them in private to discuss their issue and they came out with arms around each other. We clapped and cheered them as they kissed. What made me so happy is when Martin proposed to Liz a second marriage. I felt so happy and important that day; making it the most important day of my life. In conclusion, a married couple should be aware of these causes of divorce in order to save their respective marriages. Understanding these issues makes it easier to make resolution of such conflicts that are most likely to arise in any marriage (Cherlin Pg 82). The relationship and family should be given the higher priority. They should take time to always train on these causes especially lack of communication and failed expectations. This will guide them to calculate the issues of family and marriage properly. The children will grow in a lovely environment and strengthen the family bond leaving everyone happy. The couples, the children and the community a t large will all benefit from a happy and lasting marriage (Nock, Laura & James Pg 122). Works Cited Cherlin, Andrew J.. The marriage-go-round: the state of marriage and the family in America today. New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 2009. Print. Epstein, Joseph. Divorced in America; marriage in an age of possibility.. [1st ed. New York: Dutton, 1999. Print. Kerr, Michael E., and Murray Bowen. Family evaluation: an approach based on Bowen theory. New York: Norton, 1988. Print. Levinger, George Klaus, and Oliver C. Moles. Divorce and separation: context, causes, and consequences. New York: Basic Books, 1979. Print. Nock, Steven L., Laura Ann Sanchez, and James D. Wright. Covenant marriage the movement to reclaim tradition in America. New Brunswick, NJ: Rutgers University Press, 2008. Print. Read More