Desperate relationship: Moving into Trust Marriages and Recovery - Case Study Example

Case Study about Walter and Pam Number: Introduction Marriages are made, not in heaven, but by wonderfully fallible human beings who hope for the best, but who often do precious little to make this most challenging and complicated relationship work (WIthers, 2007). Men and women have always disagreed from the very first couple and their varying perspectives over the apple to modern times simply because both sexes are born with inherently different personality traits. Studies have shown that modern marriage institutions are faced by numerous challenges that pose major threats to man-woman relationships to a point that they can ultimately lead to a total collapse of a marriage institution, particularly if the situation is not handled swiftly and appropriately (Chapman, 2012). This research paper will analyses the provided case study on “Conflicted” couples about Walter and Palm, identify the key strengths and weaknesses between the couple, discuss how the couple’s personalities might be influencing their situation, and finally develop a strategy to counsel and support them. Identify Key Areas (strengths and weaknesses) Psychologists and marriage therapists claim that it is very crucial to assess the strengths and weaknesses of the couples in marriage institutions because they believe that couple strengths are the building block for a healthy relationship and can be foundational in learning relationship skills. Couple strengths also play a major role in managing and controlling stresses experienced by the couples and also supply hope and contain overt or latent skills that can be utilized in weaker areas. However, studies have shown that strengths operate differently than “growth areas” across stages of a couple’s relationship with premarital couples are most aware of their strengths and tend to minimize issues while married. Couple on the other hand can readily list issues and have a harder time describing their strengths. Unhappy couples tend to focus mainly on issues (growth areas) thus making it difficult for them to identify their strengths. Walter and Palm who were in their 50s, both Christians and married for about 30 to 40 years appeared to share numerous strengths. A brief summary of their weaknesses and strengths show that their main relationship strengths (areas in which they agreed up on highly) included all aspects of role transitions and spiritual beliefs with their possible relationship strengths (areas in which they agreed up on moderately) being financial management matters, health issues, leisure issues and intergenerational issues. Their possible growth areas (areas with moderately low couple agreement) comprised of conflict resolution, family & friends as well as sexual relationship. The couple’s growth areas (areas with low couple agreement) encompassed of communication, forgiveness as well as partner style & habits. According to the highlighted strengths and weaknesses, it is clear that the major challenges the couple was facing include all the elements mentioned under ‘the possible areas of growth and their areas of growth’. They comprises of poor conflict tenacity methods, poor family & sexual relationship, poor communication, low levels of forgiveness as well as partner style & habits. Conflict resolution, Communication and Forgiveness Conflict is natural and inevitable in marriages and other close relationships though one’s experience of interpersonal conflict is often highest with one’s spouse, compared to other long-term relationships. Marital relationships are specifically more prone to conflict because spouses develop a great deal of qualities like shared intimacy and interdependence, factors that make the partners more vulnerable to each other (Chapman, 2012; Cupach, William, & Canary, Daniel, 2014). If the level of cohesion between the married couples is not strong enough and then they fail to apply appropriate conflict resolution mechanisms, then that marriage institution has very high chances of collapsing. Walter and Pam could be experiencing different types of conflicts in their marriage which can be classified as either constructive destructive. However, the couple appears to be going through constructive conflicts since the two remained cooperative, pro-social, and to be doing their best to preserve their relationship irrespective of their conflicts. The case study analyzed has not shown any signs of destructive conflict that is characterized by features like unhealthy competition, antisocial, and relationship-damaging behaviors. However, the two should work on how they can improve their conflict resolution tactics so as to prevent the situation from graduating to destructive conflict that would lead to detrimental effects like negativity, disagreeableness, and sometimes hostility (Auld, 2010). Poor communication between the two partners can be presumed to be the main factor contributing to the poor conflict resolution between them. Ample communication is termed by many psychologists as the backbone of any good relationship. It brings about the element of understanding between cohabiting partners and brings about other aspects like the element of forgiveness that the couple is lacking. Lack of forgiveness or having it at low levels is likely to lead to other bigger problems like negative affect reciprocity, which is a closely-related pattern” that indicates the probability that a couple is more likely than usual to be negative when the partner is negative, as opposed to when the partner is neutral or positive (Cupach, William R., & Canary, Daniel, 2014). This is termed by marriage therapists as responding to criticism with stonewalling or defensiveness, anger with own anger, and responding to sadness with irritation (Cupach, William, & Canary, Daniel, 2014). Such situations are brought about by factors like how the individuals were brought up, gender, beliefs, peer influence as well as allowing oneself to get entrapped within a negative emotional loop because of more attention to negative cognitive evaluations hardwired into the human brain neurology. Family& sexual relationship and partner style & habits It was also clear that the couple had problems with each other’s styles and habits (not fully satisfied with each other’s personal characteristics). This is a problem that can be prevented by simply enriching their communication, a factor that would lead to better understanding between the two. Both partners had some concerns about their personality traits and each other’s behaviors though Pam was more bothered than her husband. All these are products of poor communication and misunderstandings (John Gottman, Nan Silver, 2012). Sexual and family relationship was another major problem that the couple was facing that could have resulted from their age (both were in their 50s). All these problems could result to infidelity or make their ‘cold’ (featured by elements like boredom over each other, extreme silence and lack of happiness). Personalities Analysis of the personalities of Walter and Pam was based on the “Big Five” personality assessment that is validated worldwide by psychologists. The SCOPE is an acronym for the five areas assessed namely Social (introvert vs extrovert), Change (openness to change vs closed and conventional), Organized (orderly vs flexible), Pleasing (agreeable vs assertive), and Emotionally Stable (calm vs reactive) (Auld, 2010). The findings of the study can be summarized as follows: An idealistic distortion test showed that the two partners may be somewhat realistic, though they would sometimes deny or minimize problems in their relationship. Their levels of assertiveness differed relatively because Walter was more assertive at expressing thoughts and feelings, and he could comfortably ask for whatever he wanted from the relationship. Pam’s level of assertiveness on the other hand was found to be average since she was generally good at expressing thoughts and feelings, and that she could ask for whatever she wanted from the relationship. According to the study, the level of self-confidence and positive self-esteem in the couple was found to be high for both of them since the study established that the couple felt good about their abilities to effectively accomplish whatever they wanted in life. An analysis of the couple’s level of avoidance (tendency to minimize issues and reluctance to deal with issues directly) indicated that Walter scored low since he was found to be open to identifying and discussing issues in their relationship while Pam’s score on the other hand was found to be average because she would sometimes minimize problems and she could be reluctant to deal directly with issues occasionally. In addition, the level of partner dominance (how much one feels controlled or dominated by their partner) indicated that Pam was feeling dominated by her husband unlike Walter who felt less dominated. There aspect of conflicts and harmonization between partners who have different personalities make psychologists continue looking for a prove to whether opposites attack, or whether birds of a feather flock together (Patricia & Kuhlman Gregory, 2003). Recent studies have shown that about 60% of the marriage relationships comprises of couples with different personalities with only 10% of the surveyed couples being found to have all most similar characteristics. Studies attempting to establish whether similarities or differences in personality relate to couple satisfaction in a marriage indicated that about 80% of the couples, marital satisfaction was not related to similarity or differences in personality (Auld, 2010). This confirmed that the claim that partners with fewer personality differences and incompatibility have more successful marriage relationships is a mere misconception. Walter and Pam differences in personality traits can be a bonding factor between them especially if they can fully take advantage of their differences (opposites attract). Having personality differences can be very stimulating and interesting in one’s partner. Usually, differences are not contravenial in the early stages of relationships, since couples do not pay much attention to them. In such stages many focus on their similarities because they are absorbed in familiarizing themselves with each other. As relationships develop, their similarities turn out to be less novel as they become more familiar (Patricia & Kuhlman Gregory, 2003). When the couple graduate into practical relationship responsibilities like starting and nurturing a family, advancing their careers, and managing finances, their differences become more superficial and prominent. Walter and Pam can live harmoniously and happily irrespective of their personality differences as long as they can make their conflicts offer them more opportunities to kiss and make up. The two should avoid being too avoidant to talk about the challenges prompted by their personality differences though this may be a prudent idea when differences are not too critical and there exist large areas of common ground. The type or degree of differences is not the most crucial aspect in their relationship rather than how the two can manage their differences and incompatibilities (Richardson, 2010). In addition, they should figure out a relationship style that is appropriate for the type and degree of similarities and differences that possess. Pam and Walter should take advantage of their areas of similarity to maintain a positive emotional tone and avoid becoming stuck in trying to convert each other so as to adopt their viewpoint (Auld, 2010). However, the differences can work against their marriage especially if they can fail to come up with better ways to manage them. As relationships progress beyond the more completely romantic early stages, most couples become blindsided by their differences simply because they did not explore their differences and expectations systematically in order to adopt strategies to manage them. Studies have shown that couples who understand and prepare for their areas of discordancy are less flustered and generally fare better. Unprepared partners end up turning the differences (conflict) into a fight or avoidance (Chapman, 2012). Action Plan In order to help Walter and Pam marriage relationship recover from the hitches it is going through, I would apply a number of counseling strategies among them being the narrative therapy. The main goal of applying a combination of therapies is to ensure that Pam and Walter receive lasting help in their relationship and decrease the amount of conflict between them. The overall goal would be to share in rich story change of the couple’s life through deconstruction of the leading plan of the couple as disagreed, of being disturbed persons, and of their state of affairs being unstable (Auld, 2010). The process would involve generating a conversational trust with Pam and Walter whereby dominant stories would be deconstructed and new storylines of each person’s self and the relationship would emerge. I would also apply other narrative therapy techniques like discovering the unique outcomes, externalizing their problems, and exploring hopes and intents for their lives. Opening the couple to challenge and break free the interactional patterns that are ruining their relationship would be step one. Then the second step would involve working with the couples in order to help them generate substitute pattern of interactions and alternative stories about their relationships that bring with them preferred effects in their lives and relationships. This would be aimed at making the couple understand that how they see themselves in their marriage relationship is not fixed; instead it is merely the meaning the couple makes of these patterns. The meanings and understanding people have about themselves and of their relationships are developed through society, language, and these meanings can be deconstructed, reconstructed, and changed through different ways of engagement in the telling of stories (Richardson, 2010). Giving the couple an opportunity to talk about what they would feel interested in discussing would make them get an opportunity to describe their concerns which would be cast in terms of the problems their marriage relationship is going through (Lamanna & Reidmann, 2012). There are a very high probability that the two would talk about the problems/concerns that they feel most insoluble and immoveable. I would expect them to raise the problems that were mentioned in the case study among others that may reflect certain negative qualities that are intrinsic to the characters of the partners and both have resisted amending. Externalizing the issues that are threatening their marriage would make them feel more relieved since the approach has been proven to make people have an identity that is separating them from the problem; the problem becomes the problem, not the person. The therapy session would also focus on making the couple become more close to each other so as to create a sense of understanding between them (Lamanna & Reidmann, 2012). This would involve applying tactics that would encourage them improve their level of communication which was deemed to be extremely poor. Though the case study shows that the couples were having leisure time together, I would convince them to increase the amount of time they share together as a way of enriching their love, friendship and ultimately marriage relationship. In addition, I would focus on how I can make the two understand that they can turn their differences to be major sources of stimulation and interest rather than making them causes of conflicts. This would involve helping them figure out the most effective relationship style that would help them understand that their minor differences can be managed. Some of the local resources that I would encourage the couples to be making use of include listening to marriage audio CDs, reading books and relationship and marriage journals as well as reading the Bible regularly because they are both Christians (Lamanna & Reidmann, 2012). I would strongly emphasize to them the need for following Bible principles about how a husband and a wife should live peacefully and happily to a point of extending their love and affection to the society at large. In addition, I would strongly urge the couple to be attacking challenges threatening their relationship in a more civilized and Christian like manner. There are numerous Bible verses that can strengthen their relationship like the ones outlined after the conclusion part of this paper. In conclusion Walter and Pam case study is termed as a conflicted marriage relationship because of the differences they were experiencing with regard to their personality traits. It is clear that the couple had allowed their differences to become a major source of conflict among themselves. This was the case because the two had not implemented a clear and effective relationship style that would enable them manage their differences amicably. Other than personality differences, the two had some weaknesses with regard to the way they solved internal conflicts, how they communicated and how one of them felt about each other’s character and habits. These are seen as the major problems that were threatening their marriage. A combination of counseling strategies can be the solution to the conflicts they are going through though the narrative therapy, (a technique that helps partners differentiate the real problem from their partners) is the best and most effective approach. Organizing for counseling sessions for the couple, encouraging them to read marriage related materials as well as showing them the need for reading the Scripture are some tactics that could save their marriage. Bible Verses “Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us (1 Peter 2:12)” “Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others (I Corinthians 10:24)” “Every one of us has a sinful nature (Romans 3:23)” “Are you married? Do not seek a divorce. Are you unmarried? Do not look for a wife. But if you do marry, you have not sinned, and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this (I Corinthians 7:27-28)” “Husbands, in the same way be considerate a you live with your wives, and treat them with respect a the weaker partner (1Peter 3:7)” “And the wife must respect her husband (Ephesians 5:33)” References Top of Form Auld, J. J. (2010). Whats really happening in African-American relationships?. Bloomington, IN: AuthorHouse. Chapman, G. D. (2012). Desperate marriages: Moving toward hope and healing in your relationship. Bloomington, IN: AuthorHouse. Cupach, William R., & Canary, Daniel J. (2014). Conflict - Couple Relationships - Theory, Family, Development, Partner, and Marital - JRank Articles. Retrieved  2014, from http://family.jrank.org/pages/312/Conflict-COUPLE-RELATIONSHIPS.html Gottman, John & Silver Nan (2012). What Makes Marriage Work? | Psychology Today. Retrieved  2014, from http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/what-makes-marriage-work Lamanna, M. A., & Reidmann, A. C. (2012). Marriages & families: Making choices in a diverse society. Belmont, Calif: Wadsworth, Cengage Learning. Patricia S. & Kuhlman Gregory A. (2003). Differences, incompatibilities and marriage success. Retrieved  2014, from http://www.stayhitched.com/diff.htm Richardson, R. W. (2010). Couples in conflict: A family systems approach to marriage counseling. Minneapolis: Fortress Press. WIthers, G. H. (2007). Divorce brutality: Why marriages and relationships die : a window into personality and social decay. New York: iUniverse. Bottom of Form Bottom of Form Read More