Important Counseling Skills - Essay Example

Name Lecturer’s name Course code 10 November 2009 Counselling skills Introduction (summary of the session) This session was between myself and a counsellor known as Erin Kerr. I was having difficulties relating with a relative of mine and also deciding whether I was doing the right course. In the session, the counsellor allowed me to talk about my feelings and occasionally asked questioned or summarised what I was saying. In the end, I was led into an effective solution and left the session feeling empowered. Discussion of my feelings before, during and after the session Psychologists define feelings as those sensations that are created by one’s emotions. Usually, these emotions are highly unpredictable as they do not emanate from rational thoughts. All human beings possess either complex or simple emotions and these must be respected by counsellors in order to reach effective solutions. Feelings are the real indicator of a person’s problems or state. Counsellors must therefore know that intellectual responses only cover up what clients truly feel. (Yates, 13) Prior to the session, I felt confused about my actual feelings. This was because the problem that was disturbing me had been on my mind for some time. I was therefore looking for some clarification from the counselling session. Deep down inside, I was a bit scared to exploit these feelings because I thought that the after an in depth analysis, somehow we would come to the realisation that it was my fault. Some of the feelings that I was battling with before included: hurt, discomfort and betrayal. In the past holiday season, my family and I paid a visit to an aunt of ours who was unmarried and had no children. She was career oriented and believed that one’s worth was defined by how successful one was in one’s career. During our stay at her place, she had more frequent interactions with me than with any other member of the family. This was largely because I was the family cook and we needed each other’s help to organise meals. My problems started emerging during those interactions as our conversations often left me on edge. My aunt would ask me about the course that I was pursuing in school and then comment about what a waste of time it was. Since she was a respected architect, she felt that certain courses were beneath her and that anyone pursuing them was simply ‘wasting time’. Every now and then, my aunt told me that counsellors hardly achieve as much respect as persons from the traditional professions such as medicine, law and engineering. She warned me about setting myself up for failure and told me that I would live a mediocre life. She began comparing me to other graduates from our family and informed me that my course was the least significant one further adding that I would never be wealthy. My initial reactions were first to ignore her comments and brush them off. However after two weeks of continually being told the same thing, I started seeing things her way. What this translated to was immense self doubt about my career path, my possibility for excellence and success. I wondered whether my interest in counselling would be sufficient to get me through life or whether I should have made a more conventional career choice. I was therefore going through a crisis of identity and did not know which way forward. Besides that, I started venting out these negative feelings towards my aunt because we would frequently get into arguments. In the end, I left her place prematurely as we had intended on staying there for three weeks. Our relationship had also deteriorated as none of us was willing to admit that the other was right. I was therefore frustrated with myself and my aunt, insecure about my career choice, betrayed that a close relative could be so insensitive to my choices, uncomfortable with where our current relationship was and afraid of confronting her. During the session, I was a bit tense in the beginning – I had my reservations about my problems. First of all, I thought that he would be biased towards my side as he was a counsellor and was likely to persuade me about all the positives of this career. Also, I was scared of appearing too vulnerable especially because was a trainee counsellor / a potential helper who is supposed to be strong enough to help others. However, after we started talking and the counsellor listened and observed me for a while, we began making some breakthroughs. I was now more relaxed and open minded to some of the suggestions that would be made within the interview. I began feeling regretful over venting out my insecurities to my aunt. I also started understanding my inner self especially because the counsellor would verbalise some of those inner feelings after I had said things that indicated I was feeling that way. For instance, when I told him that my aunt made my career choice seem like a mistake, the counsellor commented that ‘You feel doubtful and insecure about where you are in your life right now’. We also explored some of the reasons that could have caused my aunt’s behaviour; such as her perceived failures in life that may have led her to put others down so as to feel good about herself, her lack of socialising skills because of not living with her immediate family and also her lack of experience concerning other career paths. My feelings of anger and frustrations towards here were now changed to feelings of sympathy because I understood that here outbursts were a sign of buried emotions. (McLeod, 478) After the counselling session my feelings of uncertainty were replaced with surety about my path as I knew where I wanted to go in life. It was no longer going to be about impressing my relatives or other people. I knew what I wanted and felt good about it. Analysis of the key skills used by the counsellor and their impact on me There were several key skills that were instrumental in getting breakthroughs within this session. First of all, the use of emotional recall was fundamental here. After saying certain things, the counsellor would comment about how those feelings made me feel and more often than not, he would be right on point. This implies that in order to relate to my circumstance, it was necessary for him to wear my shoes and think of the emotions that such issues would cause. For example, when I discussed the poor state of my relationship with my aunt, the counsellor commented that ‘I felt guilty about bringing this on’ and true to her word, that was exactly how I felt. The counsellor also had an ability to read my body language and other vocal elements to assess the issues behind my comments. More often than not, as a professional counsellor, it is always important to be sensitive to what is being said and what is being implied through one’s body language. When one is undergoing certain intense emotions it often common to find that those emotions will be reflected in one’s physical appearance. For instance, the counsellor was keen on my vocal intonations. In instances where my tone was extreme, then she would note that that issue was making me angry. When I would pose for a long time without saying anything, then the counsellor deduced that something had affected me highly and we would often discuss those issues that I was reflecting on. In certain situations, my eyes would start getting wet especially when I talked about the comparisons that my aunt made between me and the other family members. Upon seeing these, the counsellor read in between the lines and commented that I must be hurt by such actions. (Urban Youth Workers, par 15) The reflective skill is also critical in making any counselling session worth its while. This is because the skill allows counsellors to validate client feelings and thus enhance their journey towards self discovery. However, these reflections must be done in such a way that they appear genuine so that even in instances where the counsellor is wrong, a client will still be willing to tell him what he or she really fells. In my case, the counsellor used reflective responding when dealing with my issues but he was careful no to apply reflection either too early or too late in the session. Studies show that introducing reflection very early causes clients to start defending themselves and this only worsens their chances of ever getting solutions to their problems. However, when trust has been built between the client and the counsellor then reflective responding causes the client’s level of awareness to grow and this maximises chances of recovering comfortably. The reflective skill is highly dependent on a counsellor’s propensity to make clients express their feelings. (Phillipsen, 33) Besides these, counsellor Erin Kerr also possessed very good listening skills. Studies indicate that clients need to be given room to explore their feelings or to tell their story without interruptions. This contributes towards feelings of safety and trust between the client and the counsellor thus heightening the chances of success. In my case, the counsellor’s good listening skills allowed me to develop my own thinking and I therefore felt involved in the process of handling my problem. For example, when talking about that dreadful holiday, the counsellor listened to all the comments I made about my aunt and then asked me about what I thought of them. In this listening process, the counsellor was not judgemental about my assertions. After listening to the audio tape, I realised that there were certain times when I adopted a self righteous attitude and blamed everything on my aunt – especially the arguments. The counsellor did not tell me that I was being proud by not talking about my role in the mess; instead, he just listened and then made some assertions about the issues at hand when I had finished describing an issue. I would say that this ability of good listening and not judging me contributed towards mutual respect between us and also to the feelings of safety within the counselling room. (Yalom, 19) Aside from these, the counsellor treated my feelings genuinely and did not simply dismiss them as irrelevant or trivial. For example, when I told him that I was confused about my career path, he did not compare me to other clients who have similar problems. Also, he did not try to make it seem like a small issue because we explored all the buried challenges that we were dealing with. It should be noted that by doing this, I knew that the counsellor cared for me and this made me more open around him. The breakthrough within this session occurred when the counsellor assisted me to see the relationship between my emotions, my feelings and my thought processes. Consequently, he made me realise that I was the one who could interpret all these three things differently. He showed me that I was the one who determined how my life unfolded and that I was in charge. This immediately made me see that I had placed my aunt’s thoughts and opinions on a pedestal. What really mattered was what I wished to do in my life – which was counselling and that no amount of scorn from third parties could ever change that. I felt empowered and ready to take a more determined and positive role in my life. Counselling interviewing is also another important skill that was employed in our session. The counsellor seemed to follow a step by step process to achieve this. First of all, we engaged in light conversation so that he could build a rapport with me. He asked me about where I live, how the drive to his office was, some current events and many other current issues. After feeling comfortable in the counselling room, Mr. Kerr then proceeded to dissect the problem. He utilised a non directive approach which involved allowing to me to take charge of the interview. I was actually the one who did most of the talking in this session and I was very instrumental in discovering some of the issues that were at the root of my challenges. This was done by reflective responding, non verbal and verbal analysis and also good listening on the part of the counsellor. After assessing the problem, the counsellor then ought to analyse a client’s feelings. (Stewart & Cash, 34) He was bale to do this by summarising some of my assertions and also by asking me questions. For instance when I told him about what my aunt commented concerning my career path, he asked me how that made me feel. I told him that this caused me to become apprehensive and that was an important breakthrough. (Okun, 102) In the interview process, the counsellor is also supposed to reach a tenable solution to the problems faced by the concerned party. In other words, this is the climax of the counselling program. During my case, the counsellor reached this point when we came to the conclusion that I was in charge of my own destiny and that no one had the ability to control what I was dealing with. Instead of focusing on the helplessness of my situation with my aunt, it was more imperative for me to think of the things that I could change to make my situation better. We had established that the career that I have most passion and interest for was counselling. Also, we established that I could not control how my aunt teased me but I could control how I treated her. I was asked to come up with some strategies that would cause me to maintain these latter two goals. I suggested assuring myself of my choices everyday and giving my course all my best efforts; the counsellor approved this. In terms of my aunt’s situation, I suggested that it was necessary for me to apologise for being rude and arguing with her. The counsellor commented that I should no be overly repentant for my choices and that if my aunt was not going to accept me as a counsellor then I would be better off focusing my energies on more positive initiatives. A description and analysis of my overall experience and response to the session I would say that my overall experience within this counselling session was quite an empowering one. First of all, the approach of client centred counselling worked very well for me and dispelled the fear I had about this counsellor; I had imagined that he was going to argue about the benefits of being a counsellor, instead he chose to listen to my reason for being a counsellor and why I had a problem with my aunt. The counsellor did his best to get my point of view without letting his sentiments and opinions interfere in the process. (Fisher, 6) This counsellor also made a good choice of when to respond within the session. I told him about all the events that had taken prior to my crisis and all the people that may have led to that problem. The counsellor concentrated on how I felt about myself and not what others commented. Therefore instances where I was frequently referring to others’ comments about me, the counsellor would then ask me about my opinion so as to establish the true cause of the problem. The counsellor rarely imposed ultimatums or solutions on me. In fact, his role was more of a leading one as he would sometimes suggest, interpret or summarise. He never tried to tell me what to do and this led me to feel that I was instrumental in solving my own problems. I also found that the clarification process was very important in this session as the counsellor would frequently paraphrase my words. Also, the counsellor’s way of summarising issues was important in zooming in and zooming out of the counselling situation. These two instances represent the micro and macro issues that I was going through. (Yates, 13) The session also clarified the real issues at hand as we established that I could not change what other people do but I could change my actions. All the negative feelings were discussed and unravelled and the ones I was uncertain about were clarified. There was no blame game as I often found that I was the one who came up with solutions to these problems. I was finally able to get a way forward to my predicaments and therefore looked for the friendliest way of dealing with the dilemma. Conclusion A non directive approach to counselling works vey well for certain people and this was the case for me. The counsellor was able to get to the real issues and empowered me by making me offer suggestions for those challenges. References Okun, B. Effective helping. Pacific Grove: Brooks Press, 2008 Yalom, I. Empathy – looking out the patient’s window. London: Pitkus, 2002 Stewart, C. & Cash, W. Interviewing practices and principles. London; McGraw-Hill, 2000 Phillipsen, E. “Reflection of feelings.” Journal of addiction professional 23 (2004): 33 Urban Youth Workers. Importance of client feelings in counselling, 2009, retrieved http://www.uywi.org/1278 Yates, J. Reflective response and active listening, 2004 retrieved from http://ocw.mit.edu/NR/rdonlyres/Sloan-School-of-Management/15-281Spring2004/369F673A-374C-42F8-8C42-F917567010C1/0/yates_listen.pdf Fisher, D. “Active listening.” Journal of organisational communication 12 (2005): 6 McLeod, J. Skills and qualities of the effective counsellor. Philadelphia: Open Press (478-494) Read More