Pastoral Marriage Counseling Finding Help for a Troubled Marriage - Term Paper Example

Running Head: PASTORAL COUNSELING Finding help for a troubled marriage though pastoral counseling Introduction Part of the job of a pastor is to help those who are in need. On the path towards helping those in need, often it becomes the responsibility of a pastor to offer guidance to a couple who is having trouble within their marriage. Effective marriage counseling much be defined by a combination of spiritual guidance and relevant psychology and sociology. Therefore, it is important for a pastor to understand, not only the relevant Biblical passages, but to understand the way in which social pressures and mental issues can affect the ways in which a couple will relate to one another. When a couple comes to their pastor, often times they are in crisis. It is important to relieve the pressure of the crisis while also providing tools through which the couple can avert future crises. In order to understand the role of pastoral counseling, it must first be discussed from which approach a counselor must frame the experience of counseling. The Bible has some very specific guidelines from which a marriage is defined for a couple. Ephesians 3:21-33 lay out a framework in which a Christian marriage can be attained. While some of the structure may seem arcane and without an understanding of the level to which women now assert their own sense of power, the relationship between men and women are still most successful when this framework is adapted. Therefore, a discussion of the framing of the marriage through Biblical design is undertaken. Pastoral Counseling According to Rassieur (2005), pastoral marriage counseling is defined as “an opportunity for a couple to work together with their pastor in order to understand and resolve conflict, and to enhance and enrich their marriage” (p. 141). Pastoral counseling for couples is intended to help a couple work together to find ways in which the relationship can be more satisfying. Counseling should also be a resource for a couple in creating better communications and finding tools through which to learn to find a better understanding between each other. The goals that a couple sets when seeking counseling will help them to better understand one another and work towards solving issues that are standing in the way of a satisfying marriage. There is a defined relationship between counseling and goals. The types of work that should be done within pastoral counseling can be found within the following guideline: 1. Marriage counseling is a process for learning more about oneself, one’s partner, and the marital relationship 2. The pastor does not give advice or answers. The goal of the counseling is for both spouses individually to make their own best, informed decisions for themselves, for their marriage, and for their family. 3. Pastoral marriage counseling is a very hopeful process, but there is no guarantee about the final outcome. 4. Each person can change only herself or himself and not the other person. 5. Nothing is gained by using the counseling for talking about all the ways one’s partner behaves in an “outrageous” manner. 6. Counseling sessions are not to be used for fighting or attacking each other. 7. It is not the pastor’s job to be a judge, taking sides and deciding who is right and wrong. 8. It is not the purpose of marriage counseling for one spouse to bring the other so that the other will get help or counseling. 9. Likewise, it is also not the purpose of the marriage counseling for the pastor to make an assessment in order to determine which spouse is “sick” or “sicker” than the other. 10. The focus of pastoral marriage counseling is on the relationship and what both spouses want to change about themselves and their contributions to the marriage (Rassieur, 2005, p. 142). While elements of psychology and sociology will be helpful in creating an environment in which a couple can work on their relationship, the pastor should only act as a facilitator towards the goals of the couple in finding a way to relate to one another. It is not the job of the pastor to make diagnoses and to pass judgments. The center of counseling is on the work that is done between the couple. Ephesians 3:21-33 In finding a way to guide a couple through their marital issues, a pastor will first want to look at the Bible in order to find initial guidance from which to frame a Christian marriage. Ephesians 3:21-33 provides a solid framework in which to define the relationship of a Christian couple. Ephesians sets out a set of traditions that were most likely familiar to the recipients of the original writing, but can be used to help frame contemporary Christian relationships. According to Ephesians 3:21, a couple should “Submit to one another out of reverence to Christ” (New International Version). According to Caron (2000), an analysis of this passage suggests that verse 21 is a response to verses 22-33. This verse suggests that men and women in a marital relationship should give to each other the respect that they should expect (p. 128). While verse 22 begins to define the roles that men and women should have with one another, the first verse is spoken with a sense of equality. Men and women should expect to be given to each other, each one living within their prescribed roles and giving themselves over to the other. Cottrell (1994) develops the concept of mutual submission by saying that “she would want to be dominated by her husband and he would submit to this desire” (p. 127). Ephesians 3:22 reveals the nature of the role of a woman within the relationship. As a woman, it is her responsibility to submit to her husband, to give over her will to his guidance just as she gives over her will to Christ. This submissiveness does not have to be defined by a sense of slavery, but by giving a husband the primary role within the relationship, she gives over a portion of her control so that he can act as the provider, a role that nature has supported. This does not mean that she has no opinion nor that she should submit to violence or any other sort of unhealthy sense of dominance. This means that she has acknowledged his position and gender role as the man and that she gives him respect within that position. His responsibility is to not abuse his role, to adhere to Ephesians 3:21 in submitting also to her, to giving her respect and treating her with respect in her acceptance of the female gender role. When these roles are in balance, a peaceful and happy marriage is the result. According to Cottrell (1994) Genesis 3:16 can be interpreted as meaning that a woman will want to take control and rule over her husband, that this will be the nature of women. However, men have been given the responsibility to be at the head of the family (p. 127). If one looks at the tenets of evolutionary psychology, it is natural for males to seek out roles that provide, while females are attracted to men who have the best ability to provide. Women will find men with resources more attractive, while men will find physical attraction, which is associated with good health and child bearing potential, a more important attribute in potential mates (Keil & Wilson, 2001, p. 751). Therefore, the ways in which men have developed a controlling nature is supported by their naturally developed responses to the need to provide resources for survival. Men are charged to care for their wives as if they were themselves, to give over to them such love and devotion as they would do for themselves. The Bible states “He who loves his wife loves himself”(Ephesians 21:28 New International Version). Therefore, the act of submission of a wife to her husband is not intended for her to give herself over to his domination and to be at the will of unhealthy relational activities. This type of submission is also balanced by his responsibility to care for her and provide for her needs. There is a mutual balance that must be struck between the partners. Understanding the balance of the Christian marriage is vital in providing a healthy counseling experience for a couple. The Pastoral Counselor A pastor has a unique position as a counselor. The social role that he has embraced places him as a religious authority figure, representing religious morals and values (Benner, 2003, p. 33). This can present a barrier between a congregant and a pastor in that the congregant may be intimidated by the position of the pastor as having a higher level of morality, thus perhaps not being able to relate to the problems of “mere mortals”. It is the responsibility of the pastor to find a way to reassure that while he has devoted himself to the cause of speaking the word of God, he is a man who understands the many facets of life and the issues that can occur. Being moral is not synonymous with being blind to the world and its secular temptations and issues that can impede the process of a relationship. According to Benner (2003), being a counselor is not necessarily an active role. “Counseling is about being, not doing“(p. 26). A pastoral counseling session is designed around the couple using the pastor as a mediator, but not to create decisions, but to help them individually find the answers from their own understanding of their issues. A counselor can suggest different ways of viewing issues, and bring to the dialogue his observations about their language and behavior in regard to one another, but it is not his position to instruct them. If a pastoral counselor acts as an instructor, any changes that are made are not necessarily done for either the right reasons or within the framework of the marriage that is being counseled. Relationships are as unique as are individuals; therefore a counselor must address what is brought to the session by the couple, rather than injecting his own judgment into the session. According to Rassieur (2005), there are three essential characteristics that make a good pastoral counselor. These characteristics are defined as: accurate empathy, non-possessive warmth, and an inherent genuineness (p. 26). The concept of accurate empathy implies that a pastor can create a fairly accurate sense of the problems that the couple is sharing. The idea of non-possessive warmth is defined by the act of caring without attaching any strings or conditions through which a barrier between the pastor and the individuals being counselor will not be able to pass in order to discern the truth. The last is a sense of genuine care for the situation that allows the couple to engage actively within the session. Without these three aspects, counseling will more than likely not be effective (Rassieur, 2005, p. 26). Counseling the Couple Benner (2003) describes the counseling experience as a structured ’being-with’ that is defined by rules that guide the session. This structure is shaped by the use of theories and techniques that can help to frame the experience (p. 27). The number of techniques and theories that are used in framing the experience are extensive, but in order to be effective a counselor must choose which framework is best suited for his style of pastoral care. The basic framework is designed around a set appointment in which specific goals are determined. Pastoral counseling is not designed to be done outside of a formal setting and should not be conducted in places outside of the office. In order to create a specific type of relationship, the counselor must insist on formalizing the experience so that it is framed properly in a specific setting (Benner, 2003, p. 28). Once a setting has been put into place, it is important for the counselor to help the couple to discern their goals in coming to the sessions. It is the responsibility of the pastoral counselor to help sharpen the perspective of the couple so that they can see more clearly the issues for which they have come to the session. In the process, the counselor must make assessments about the ways in which the dynamics of the relationship of the couple comes into relationship with the problems (Wimberly, 1990, p. 38). This is not the same as suggesting that the counselor must make judgments, but rather decide how the couple relates to one another in order to facilitate how best to address goals and alleviate problems. In order to begin focusing on the problems, the counselor should enlarge his understanding of the problem. By closely observing the couple, the pastor can come to some realizations about how they view the world in which they live. Every individual views the world from a specific point of view that is unique. Although there are generalities that those views can fall into, generally speaking, each person and then each couple will see the world specifically and uniquely. Trying to see the world from their point of view will provide a greater understanding of where the problems that are being experienced have developed (Wimberly, 1990, p. 39). One framework for a counseling session can be defined by a methodology of moving from empathy to metaphor, and then from metaphor to theme in order to understand the overall issues that are being presented by the couple. In other words, the counselor creates an understanding of the problem, then asks for the couple to create an envisioned metaphor of what the problem is like. Once that metaphor is developed, such as “it is like being in prison”, or “it is like she is deaf”, the theme can provide a way in which to work through the issues (Wimberly, 1990, p. 40). Creating a proper framework for a counseling session is invaluable in providing good care for congregants who are suffering in a dissatisfying marital experience. Through the use of a structure, the experience can be fulfilling and fruitful. Without this type of structure, the counseling session will become unfocused and lose track of the primary goals in which the effort is intending to attain. Without a strong lead on the sessions, the counselor will not succeed in guiding the couple towards a goal, but might find that the conversations become caught in a quagmire of the past and unable to move forward from the specifics, rather than dealing with the overall problems. The Value of Pastoral Marriage Counseling One of the greatest values to a couple in seeking out pastoral marriage counseling is that the couple will be in an environment that supports their core belief system. When seeking the help of their personal pastor, they are aware of the dynamics of the belief system from which the counselor will address their issues. As well, they know that it is more than likely that the counselor will support the continuation of their marriage and help them to not give up, leading to the end of their commitment and towards a divorce. If they have sought out counseling, it is likely that they do not wish to end their marriage. According to Collins (2007) it is important for a couple to find a way to recognize that they are in a relationship where they are cared for and where their needs and happiness matter to someone else (p. 54). Through the help of a pastor who can bring their faith into their discussion and use their own love for one another, a couple can continue their commitment and find ways in which to reengage the emotional connection that has been lost. Furthermore, the Christian counselor can help to promote values that are important within a Christian marriage and support efforts to increase and continue the faith and moral conduct of the couple towards one another. In highly charged emotional situations, maturity can be abandoned and the Christian ethic can be lost. However, through the help of pastoral guidance, Christian maturity can be regained and the couple can once again find their feet on the founding principles of Christian love through love, faith, hope, forgiveness, commitment, moral integrity, and faithfulness (Worthington, 2005, p. 46). According to Stanton (2010), there are times in which separation can be good for even a Christian marriage; however this can lead to a comfort through the ease of isolation over the turmoil of emotional distress. Creating goals and letting the help of God coexist within the counseling arrangement can help to avoid these types of poor results within a marriage. Through effective counseling that infuses the structure of the counseling session with the protection and love of God, the pastor can help guide his couple towards a stronger marriage. Conclusion In order to approach the establishment of a pastoral counseling practice, a pastor must create a foundational understanding of the ways in which the Bible instructs men and women to behave as husbands and wives. Through this understanding, the guidance that is provided through God can help a counselor to create the basis from which he will frame his own guidance. As well, he must assess his own attributes and practice creating the proper amount of empathy, warmth and genuine sense of care for his counselees so that he can create a connection to them through an understanding of their experience. A counselor must also provide a formalized space in which to create the proper setting so that the experience is established as important and properly framed. Lastly, the pastoral counselor must be educated in proper theoretical structures from which to create a true form of counseling. Neglecting an education in psychology and sociology will leave the pastor without the proper tools with which guide his counselees. Most of all, the pastoral counselor must be willing to work with counselees in a way that is fruitful and productive. Simply judging them for their actions and feelings and not creating tools from which to make change and attain goals will have little to no benefit. However, creating tools that are effective in reaching goals and creating new, engaged, connections between the couple will help for doors to be opened in which God can become an active partner within the marriage. Using effective tools, creating a framed experience, and recognizing the importance and the humanity that affects the experience of marriage will help a pastoral counselor to effectively counsel married couples. References Benner, D. G. (2003). Strategic pastoral counseling: A short-term structured model. Grand Rapids, Mich: Baker Academic. Caron, G. (2000). Women also journeyed with Him: Feminist perspectives on the Bible. Collegeville, Minn: Liturgical Press Collins, G. R. (2007). Christian counseling: A comprehensive guide. Nashville, Tenn: Thomas Nelson. Cottrell, J. W. (1994). Gender roles and the Bible: Creation, the fall, and redemption. Philadephia, PA: College Press. Keil, F. C., & Wilson, R. A. (2001). The MIT encyclopedia of the cognitive sciences. Cambridge, Mass. [u.a.: MIT Press. Muir, E. G., & Whiteley, M. F. (1995). Changing roles of women within the Christian church in Canada. Toronto: University of Toronto Press. Rassieur, C. L. (2005). I have a plan: A pastor's guide to counseling troubled marriages. Louisville, Ky: Westminster John Knox Press. Stanton, G. T. (4 June 2010). Learning from the Gores about the Grace of separation. Christianity Today. Accessed on 27 November 2010 from http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2010/juneweb-only/32-51.0.html Wimberly, E. P. (1990). Prayer in pastoral counseling: Suffering, healing, and discernment. Louisville, Ky: Westminster/John Knox Press. Worthington, E. L. (2005). Hope-focused marriage counseling: A guide to brief therapy. Downers Grove, Ill: InterVarsity Press. Zondervan Bible Publishers (Grand Rapids, Mich.). (1998). The Holy Bible: New International Version, containing the Old Testament and the New Testament. The beginners Bible. Grand Rapids, Mich: Zondervan Bible Publishers. Read More