Book Review of Holding Hands, Holding Hearts by Richard D. and Sharon L. Phillips - Essay Example

Book review of Holding Hands, Holding Hearts by Richard D. and Sharon L. Phillips 2009 Rick and Sharon Phillips devoted their book Holding Hands, Holding Hearts to singles of City Light, Tenth Presbyterian Church in Philadelphia, the ministry they led for several years. The book does not provide clear and precise guidelines of how to behave when dating: what to talk about, how to spend time, etc. Unlike others, the authors refer to general Bible principles and apply them to dating. They view it not as ‘a twentieth-century invention’ but assume a ‘backward’ approach: they apply principles of healthy marriage to dating as ‘godly marriage begin while dating.’ (13) The most prominent message of the book is if “you are dating you are not just holding hands, you are holding hearts” (15) calling for responsibility for other person’s feelings and emotions. Dating is viewed not as a worldly phenomenon but as a step toward marriage relationship. Thus the book is deemed as a practical help for those who want to have a blessed loving marriage which starts while dating. In the first part Biblical View of Dating and Relationships the authors explain dating through Godly lens. The Phillips have rebuked a traditional worldly model which views dating as romance aimed at satisfying needs of a couple. Instead they offer a model of dating as a way to “honor God and grow in grace” where dating sets important foundations for a healthy marriage. Referring to the Bible the authors show that a man is not meant to be alone without emotional, spiritual or physical loss. The union of a man and woman is meant to bear the image of the God through loving relationship the same way as a triune God combines “three Persons in perfect and eternal love.” That’s why, the Gods intention for this union is marriage where dating is viewed “with an eye toward marriage.” Looking at the etymology of the separate words, the Phillips prove that meaning of a woman as a helper is distorted by people while its actual meaning is to emphasize strength of a woman, not her weakness and her being “as essential to Adams condition and to Gods purpose in the world” as well as “a position of dignity” granted by God. (27) The Bible shows that origins of a woman from Adam’s rib is to emphasize her equal position with man. The widespread misunderstanding about the role of a man is in the belief that Adams lordship is a privi­lege while in truth it is one of obligation – “the form of nurture and protection.” (28) Both a man and woman are servants of God who are expressed through each other. Woman “elevates a man in true masculinity” making him a real man and at the same time a woman is not a woman without a man. Rejecting the role of a helper in life of man a woman loses “an important part of her identity and call­ing.” This way the authors shape an important ground for dating relationship which is interdependence. Moreover, the Phillips offer three dynamics binding a couple in marriage, which are commitment, intimacy, and interdependence helping to build a healthy dating rela­tionship. Dating that leads to marriage should be done only through developing each of three blocks. Commitment realized through faithfulness is to make the man and the woman confident of each other. Intimate relationships before marriage are restricted to protect our hearts from pains if commitment is not fulfilled. Thus intimacy should follow commitment which is “the cup into which intimacy is safely poured.” (35) Inti­macy is realized through sharing the most intimate feelings, emotions, hopes and dreams as well as burdens and sorrows. Interde­pendence is about team work of a couple functioning as a unit. The problem is that these blocks are “distorted and twisted by sin.” (42) Commitment turns into selfishness, intimacy into secrecy and shame, and interdependence into conflict if approach is sinful. The authors explain why desire of a woman for a man results in disappointing dating and marriage relationship: instead of looking for a companion, women try to capture a man for marriage. They substitute God by a man driven by carnal emotions of fear, jealousy and pride. This is a source of “battle of the sexes.” However, the true love between a man and a woman cannot exist without love for God inside it. That’s why, dating with a person, who is not a believer, will never result in love granted by God. What many couples experience is mutual manipulation. Starting from pleasing each other in a dat­ing relationship and finishing with disappointment when self-centered love is ended is a common practice among couples. The worldly love is the one where one finds a companion worshiping the same idols or at least sharing those who are not in conflict which is totally different from godly love and lasting value of loving relationship. Christian love is based on godly virtues, forgiveness and love received from Jesus Christ. In chapter Gods Blueprint for Love, the Relationship Redeemed in Christ, the authors highlight the responsibility of a Christian man for dating relationship, seeking respect of a woman and sharing spiritual and emotional life, putting woman’s needs ahead of his own, excluding sexual or any other exploitation of a woman. Men are viewed as protectors and nurturing equals to women, sharing burdens and concerns as well as hopes and joys. That’ why, godly man has to know a woman while dating, not only her appearances but her spiritual being. Godly woman has her own responsibilities before a man she is dating with, giving her heart to “his ministry of encouragement,” developing a kind of intimacy which is different from sexual one. A man should ascribe value to a woman while a woman should be wise enough to let a man know her and not place demands upon him remembering her role of a helper and inspirer. Submission of a woman to a man is voluntary but not enforced by the man. The journey of love learning lasts the whole life. In the second part which is titled Biblical Wisdom for Dating and Relationships the Phillips teach of valuing not physical attractiveness or sensual appeal of a woman but her inner beauty calling women to devote more time to development of feminine virtues such as kindheartedness, industry, and faithfulness rather than outward charm or the vanity of beauty.’ True feminine beauty is in ‘her gentleness and quietness of spirit’; it is a kind of beauty which can be taken to heaven. Thus the worth of spiritual beauty is highlighted. Furthermore, the Phillips tell that a man should ensure confidence into a relationship by being attentive, kind in heart and thoughtful in word. They offer important prin­ciples of ‘counsel, prayer, and accountability’ and practices of ‘safe, relaxing and fun’ dating experiences. Practical recommendations apply separately to men and women. The male task is to provide comfort and safety as well as spiritual encouragement to a woman, being a protector of woman’s heart while female role is that of a helper to a man. The important sexual aspect of dating relationship is well explained in the book. The essence of sex as a good of people is distorted by many couples who fall into immoral hedo­nism’ or gaining commitment through giving intimacy. This is a trap which many fall into making sex the foundation for love instead of the reverse actions. The authors highlight the need of “sexual holiness” and “highest moral and sexual purity” while sexual sin and toying with sexual desires will damage a promising relationship. The most powerful message of the book is that love is not about compatibility or finding the right person but about being a right person offering self-sacrificing love, working over relationships to make them flourishing. The Phillips are incredible writers who show how healthy dating relations result or grow into healthy marriage relationships. The authors make a strong focus on dating as a path to happy marriage relationships. The structure of the book is really practical as the main point of each block of information is outlined in brief description, which helps to conclude and remember the principle arguments of the authors. However, the power of the book is in a great evidential foundation which is based on the Bible wisdom and its teachings. References Phillips, Richard D. and Sharon L. Phillips (2006) Holding Hands, Holding Hearts. Recovering a Biblical View of Christian Dating. New Jersey: P&R Publishing Read More