Smarthinking's E-structor Response Form (Your marked-up essay is below this form.) HOW THIS WORKS: Your e-structor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your e-structor has also embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] throughout your essay…
Also, because this is your second submission of this essay, please consider sending us your next or final draft. We would love to see what you have done! *Strengths of the essay: This is a very well researched essay, Joshua. I enjoyed your often quite strong sentences, like this one: “Therefore, the demand to preserve nature itself reflects the superiority of mankind.” When you are writing with this directness, you are at your best. Solid effort. *Joshua 4723250 has requested that you respond to the Main Idea/Thesis: Your goal is to take a position on the topic at hand, which your thesis will make clear, while also previewing the content of the essay. Here is what I detect to be your thesis: “I would more agree with anthropocentric approach rather than Non-anthropocentric, as humans are the prime beings in this universe after God and angels.” There are two ways to improve this thesis. First, attempt to make a claim without using “I would more agree” by taking a more objective stance. For example, if I were arguing for human impact on global warming, I might write this as my thesis: “Through the burning of fossil fuels, overconsumption of resources, and inefficient technology, mankind has profoundly accelerated climate change.” Notice how I have made my claim. Secondly, attempt to preview the major points you will discuss in the body of the essay. Notice that in my thesis I am giving the major points I will discuss, and I will discuss them in that order. In your thesis, you have only given a claim. Attempt this. If you cannot make it work, then focus on the strong objective statement. Lastly, do you want to include “God and angels?” Does this bring in metaphysical implications that are not the focus of this paper? Content Development: “So how can I expect you to fit all this into 4-7pp.? Well, keep in mind that you are not writing a research paper.” The above statement is taken from your assignment sheet. This means you should be focusing on supporting your position and thesis throughout. Therefore, after you discuss certain views and provide paraphrased or quoted material from your readings, explain how these sources support your position. You are doing well to give a lot of research, but you need to support that research with your claim on how it supports your thesis—your position. *Joshua 4723250 has requested that you respond to the Organization: You are organizing your work better as you move through your essay. However, in the beginning, you have several erratic paragraphs. Focus on consolidating your earlier paragraphs into one or two strong introductory paragraphs. Remember, your introduction should give the reader the topic, create interest, and provide a thesis statement. Your thesis comes after several paragraphs. My advice is to consolidate some of your early content and focus on the specifics of your topic rather than its historical nature. Then, in the body of the essay, move into the history of these two worldviews. To begin, think of the introduction as your foundation. What does the reader need to understand before you give them your thesis? How can you say this more quickly? Word Choice: You are occasionally omitting articles, Joshua. Be sure to add “the,” “a,” and “an” where noted in-text and elsewhere. Also, you are omitting the final –s on some words, such as “specie” instead of “species” when you want the plural. Summary of Next Steps: You have a great start, Joshua. Now, take these steps moving ...
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